Want to work one on one with me? Click here to make me your prenatal coach!
Aug. 28, 2023

Jenna Hodge on Navigating the Unpredictable Journey of Motherhood

Jenna Hodge on Navigating the Unpredictable Journey of Motherhood
Apple Podcasts podcast player icon Spotify podcast player icon RSS Feed podcast player icon
Apple Podcasts podcast player icon Spotify podcast player icon RSS Feed podcast player icon
Season 1

Send us a text

Have you ever wondered about the riveting journey a woman embarks on when entering motherhood? What if you had the chance to hear honest, raw stories from a mother who's experienced it all? Join me as I sit down with Jenna Hodge, a mother to three precious miracles, to hear her tale, filled with unexpected twists and turns, about her childbirth journeys and postpartum experiences. 

From the intense pain of being induced to the unforeseen experiences of an epidural, Jenna does not hold back in sharing the realities of childbirth. Her candidness extends beyond the birthing experience, as she opens up about the physical and mental struggles she faced during her postpartum period, like dealing with her baby's reflux and the toll it took on her mental health. Jenna discusses the importance of having a robust support system and addresses the oft-ignored topic of postpartum depression and anxiety, providing invaluable insights for all mothers and mothers-to-be.

But Jenna's wealth of knowledge doesn't stop at her personal experiences. As a professional coach specializing in motherhood, she shares her perspectives on the potential dangers of self-medication for mental health issues. She underlines the importance of accepting the current season of motherhood and offers advice on navigating the tricky terrains of parenting. Jenna emphasizes cherishing the little moments, a reminder that, no matter how chaotic motherhood might seem, it's the tiny, unexpected moments of joy that make it all worthwhile. Don't miss out on this

Join the Bump & Beyond Online Community for moms & moms-to-be!

Coaching offer

Kelly Hof: Labor Nurse + Birth Coach
Basically, I'm your birth bestie! With me as your coach, you will tell fear to take a hike!

Buzzsprout - Get your podcast launched!
Start for FREE

Kristen Boss The Social Selling Academy
Training program for Network Marketers to grow a business without burnout. Click for $100 off!

Kristen Boss: Social Selling Leadership
Network marketers can learn to help their team members have long term success. Click for $250 off!

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

Support the Show.


Connect with Kelly Hof at kellyhof.com

Medical Disclaimer:
This podcast is intended as a safe space for women to share their birth experiences. It is not intended to provide medical advice. Each woman’s medical course of action is individual and may not appropriately transfer to another similar situation. Please speak to your medical provider before making any medical decisions. Additionally, it is important to keep in mind that evidence based practice evolves as our knowledge of science improves. To the best of my ability I will attempt to present the most current ACOG and AWHONN recommendations at the time the podcast is recorded, but that may not necessarily reflect the best practices at the time the podcast is heard. Additionally, guests sharing their stories have the right to autonomy in their medical decisions, and may share their choice to go against current practice recommendations. I intend to hold space for people to share their decisions. I will attempt to share the current recommendations so that my audience is informed, but it is up to each individual to choose what is best for them.

Chapters

00:29 - Jenna Hodge's Challenging Birth Experience

12:13 - Epidural Effects and Complications

17:39 - Natural Childbirth and Labor Experiences

28:02 - Labor and Stomach Bug Experience

34:24 - Blogging About Postpartum Experiences

45:52 - Navigating Postpartum Depression and Motherhood

50:02 - Managing Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

56:17 - Navigating Mental Health and Parenting

01:01:54 - Advice for Motherhood

01:04:42 - Capture and Cherish Little Moments

Transcript
WEBVTT

00:00:01.183 --> 00:00:04.190
Hello, today I have with me Jenna Hodge.

00:00:04.190 --> 00:00:06.195
Jenna is the mother of three.

00:00:06.195 --> 00:00:16.515
She is a coach that works with moms on all things motherhood, including self-care and care of the little ones, relationships, time management and physical and mental health.

00:00:16.515 --> 00:00:22.132
You can read her blog at PurposeIntendedcom and you can connect with her there.

00:00:22.132 --> 00:00:26.182
Jenna, welcome, thank you so much for joining me.

00:00:26.182 --> 00:00:27.146
Thank you for having me.

00:00:27.146 --> 00:00:29.492
I'm so excited to hear your birth story.

00:00:29.492 --> 00:00:37.969
I heard a little bit about it when we were talking earlier, but, oh, those details, I can't wait to hear them, so I'm going to let you go ahead and get started, okay.

00:00:38.411 --> 00:00:41.487
Well, I have three, so three very different births.

00:00:41.487 --> 00:00:50.531
The first one is what determined how my other two went, and not necessarily in a good way, but that's okay, it was a learning experience.

00:00:50.531 --> 00:00:59.502
So for my first, I was 41 weeks when I chose to get induced because I was done and I wanted him out of there.

00:00:59.502 --> 00:01:02.448
I was doing all the things and he was not coming.

00:01:02.448 --> 00:01:05.543
And my midwife asked you want to get induced?

00:01:05.543 --> 00:01:11.290
And I was like sure, absolutely, why would I not want him to come sooner, not knowing what that really meant.

00:01:11.290 --> 00:01:13.878
So my induction was with Potosin.

00:01:13.878 --> 00:01:19.370
I know there's different ways to get induced and all morning nothing really happened.

00:01:19.971 --> 00:01:22.129
As they gave me Potosin, like I wasn't really progressing.

00:01:22.129 --> 00:01:23.114
I was like this is it.

00:01:23.114 --> 00:01:28.438
I was kind of waiting for things to get intense or be painful and I was like I don't feel anything.

00:01:28.438 --> 00:01:33.143
So they kept upping it and upping it and upping it and then, like around lunchtime, my midwife came in.

00:01:33.143 --> 00:01:37.061
She was like well, you want me to break your water and then I can come check you in a few hours.

00:01:37.061 --> 00:01:39.468
And I was like sure, this is my first time.

00:01:39.468 --> 00:01:41.823
I don't know how any of this is going to go.

00:01:41.823 --> 00:01:43.855
I don't know any of this really means until a minute.

00:01:43.855 --> 00:01:51.230
Such a weird sensation, by the way, when you get your water broken and she's like I'll be back in a few hours to see how you're doing.

00:01:51.230 --> 00:01:52.477
So that's what I expected.

00:01:52.477 --> 00:02:04.569
Nothing's really going to happen in a few hours Probably like five minutes maybe go by not long at all and I start getting intense contractions so pretty quickly.

00:02:04.569 --> 00:02:08.265
In addition to my, potosin is already a pretty high dose at this point.

00:02:08.265 --> 00:02:14.847
So now I am getting real contractions on top of what Potosin is is like synthetic ones.

00:02:14.847 --> 00:02:16.812
So it was very painful.

00:02:17.093 --> 00:02:22.314
My goal was to not have an epidural, but I wasn't like super hard set in stone on it.

00:02:22.314 --> 00:02:24.445
I was just like, yeah, I'll see how far I can go.

00:02:24.445 --> 00:02:27.161
Why not at least try without it, and then if I need it, I'll get it.

00:02:27.161 --> 00:02:28.568
Needles don't really bother me.

00:02:28.568 --> 00:02:30.295
So I wasn't like super opposed to it.

00:02:30.295 --> 00:02:35.698
But I also was extremely ignorant and uneducated on a lot of this stuff and part of it.

00:02:35.698 --> 00:02:50.924
I chose to do that because I know myself and I feel like the more I know, the more I might freak myself out for no reason, and I knew birth can vary so much from person to person that in any core stories or things people tell me may not necessarily be true for me, so I wanted to experience it for myself.

00:02:50.924 --> 00:02:53.050
Now there's some things I wish I'd known ahead of time.

00:02:53.479 --> 00:02:57.771
So I was basically in constant pain, the way that you're supposed to get for contractions.

00:02:57.771 --> 00:03:00.167
I never got the subsiding part in between the waves.

00:03:00.167 --> 00:03:01.008
There was no break.

00:03:01.008 --> 00:03:03.324
So I went from like zero to 100 pretty quick.

00:03:03.764 --> 00:03:05.109
I didn't ease into labor.

00:03:05.109 --> 00:03:07.603
I didn't you know like start with the cramping and all that.

00:03:07.603 --> 00:03:13.871
It was just like boom, boom contraction on top of each other and I tried really hard to go as long as I could without it and I got to apply.

00:03:13.871 --> 00:03:17.661
I was like I can't, I'm not going to keep going because I know it's only going to get worse.

00:03:17.661 --> 00:03:23.962
So I asked for an epidural and I got one and I didn't expect to get like really bad shakes from it.

00:03:23.962 --> 00:03:25.507
That was a very weird feeling.

00:03:25.507 --> 00:03:29.087
I was chattering but I wasn't cold, but I couldn't control my body.

00:03:29.348 --> 00:03:33.342
At this point, obviously I've got the real labor starting and the uptose is really high.

00:03:33.342 --> 00:03:42.943
So I still feel stuff, but I'm not like super amount of pain, but I'm not feeling great either, like some people have epidurals and it's like bliss.

00:03:42.943 --> 00:03:44.568
That was not my case.

00:03:44.568 --> 00:03:52.590
I also didn't know that when you get epidural you have to have a catheter, and when I put that in I told the nurse that it burned.

00:03:52.590 --> 00:03:57.188
She's kind of pushed me aside and like, yeah, don't go away, it'll subside, just be patient.

00:03:57.188 --> 00:04:02.721
And so I'm like, okay, obviously this is my first time, I don't know anything, so I wait a little bit.

00:04:02.721 --> 00:04:05.876
And meanwhile all this stuff's going on like my body's feeling weird.

00:04:05.876 --> 00:04:10.536
I'm a lightweight when it comes to like any kind of medication or side effects of anything.

00:04:10.536 --> 00:04:12.764
So I've my body just was like what is this?

00:04:12.764 --> 00:04:18.264
So I feel everything this keeps hurting, but no one's really like listening to me about it.

00:04:18.946 --> 00:04:24.403
And then I also get into this state of I felt really drugged up, but not in a good way.

00:04:24.403 --> 00:04:25.507
I'm out of it.

00:04:25.507 --> 00:04:31.427
I could see people coming in and out, but it was like I didn't feel like they're fully.

00:04:31.427 --> 00:04:33.632
Yeah, it was just like a foggy feeling.

00:04:33.632 --> 00:04:39.208
You watch and everybody else do things around you and to you and your, but your brain's not able to process it fast enough.

00:04:39.891 --> 00:04:46.291
And then I remember when I got to like the pushing part I cause I couldn't feel what I needed to feel, but I could feel some other things.

00:04:46.291 --> 00:04:48.026
I couldn't breathe.

00:04:48.026 --> 00:04:51.822
I got to a point where I was like pushing but nothing was progressing and they needed oxygen.

00:04:51.822 --> 00:04:54.249
I feel like I couldn't catch my breath.

00:04:54.249 --> 00:04:55.812
It was very discouraging.

00:04:55.812 --> 00:05:03.084
I was coherent enough to tell that things weren't going the way they should as I was pushing, like I could tell on their faces.

00:05:03.084 --> 00:05:06.262
I could feel enough in my body like this doesn't feel right.

00:05:06.262 --> 00:05:13.274
I don't feel like he's coming out, but I'm doing all this work but nothing to show for essentially, and then I'm getting exhausted, I can't breathe.

00:05:13.274 --> 00:05:18.029
So that just goes on for a while and it was a total of 45 minutes, which I know for some people.

00:05:18.029 --> 00:05:19.221
For the first that's not that long.

00:05:19.221 --> 00:05:21.930
Some that may sound long, I don't know, but this is a whole day.

00:05:21.930 --> 00:05:24.524
So I got there like six, seven AM.

00:05:24.524 --> 00:05:30.834
He was born at six 30 PM, so 12 hour day of all this.

00:05:31.279 --> 00:05:37.303
And when he did finally come out, I feel like she always had to pull him out because I think my body was so exhausted at that point.

00:05:37.303 --> 00:05:43.365
He didn't cry immediately and he was blue and no one like said anything.

00:05:43.365 --> 00:05:49.545
But, like I said, I was still coherent enough to to sense something was wrong and in my head, but I wasn't freaking out.

00:05:49.545 --> 00:05:59.262
In my head I was like he's not crying and it was like slow motion, like my brain was trying to process but my emotions weren't catching up, because I feel like if I ever go to the worst case scenario, that I'm really going to fall apart.

00:05:59.262 --> 00:06:04.303
So I don't let my brain go there, I just kind of freeze and wait till something happens.

00:06:04.303 --> 00:06:10.086
So he's like he's not crying, he's not crying, they're looking weird, something's wrong.

00:06:10.086 --> 00:06:11.591
Okay, it was just like a.

00:06:11.591 --> 00:06:16.548
There was no emotion going on in my body, just my brain processing what's going on around me.

00:06:16.608 --> 00:06:23.398
While a flat on my back I mean flat I don't feel like that was good at all to really make any progress with the pushing part.

00:06:23.398 --> 00:06:23.839
That could have.

00:06:23.839 --> 00:06:28.379
That could have been done differently Now I'll come back on it Also with my breathing as well.

00:06:28.379 --> 00:06:32.014
Can't breathe when you're flat on your back in your nine months pregnant, duh.

00:06:32.014 --> 00:06:33.100
But he was fine.

00:06:33.100 --> 00:06:34.285
He did cry.

00:06:34.285 --> 00:06:40.124
Long story short, he was in the birth canal for a very long time, so his head was very cone shaped, but he was okay.

00:06:40.545 --> 00:06:48.386
And I remember they told me I tore pretty bad and I don't think I felt the actual tearing part because I had the epidural.

00:06:48.386 --> 00:06:59.180
But I felt the tugging of the stitches and I think she stitched me up at least 60, 70 plus and they stopped counting because it took so long and there were so many stitches.

00:06:59.180 --> 00:07:02.062
It was a third degree tear but it was pretty bad.

00:07:02.062 --> 00:07:16.310
I was there for a while laying there getting stitched up and then they make you get up and go pee before you can go to the recovery room and when I stood up, like walk to the bathroom, I was put down and I hadn't seen so much blood in one spot my entire life.

00:07:16.310 --> 00:07:25.670
Like blood doesn't bother me, but it just surprised me how much blood there was, like oh, wow, it's all coming out of me and it took forever for me to pee because of the cold catheter thing.

00:07:25.670 --> 00:07:27.110
I'm pushing for so long.

00:07:27.110 --> 00:07:29.670
Like I was so small and I've never felt like that before.

00:07:30.165 --> 00:07:31.932
I was very discouraged just sitting there.

00:07:31.932 --> 00:07:37.793
The nurse was so kind but I was like I'm sorry, I'm trying, I can't feel anything and I want to keep moving this process along.

00:07:37.793 --> 00:07:39.187
I want to be done with this, I want to heal.

00:07:39.187 --> 00:07:41.492
But she was so patient and so kind.

00:07:41.492 --> 00:07:47.449
I feel like any mom who's given birth never forgets their nurses, because I feel like they do a lot more for you than the actual doctor or midwives in my opinion.

00:07:47.449 --> 00:07:53.367
But she was very helpful and just the things that they do in a very vulnerable moment for you is really special, which I know.

00:07:53.367 --> 00:08:07.413
That's what you do, but that took forever for me to just pee and then I finally got back on the bed and in a wheelchair and everything and I was so swollen and so puffy and so out of it I couldn't do my legs.

00:08:07.413 --> 00:08:09.732
They felt like dead weight because of the epidural.

00:08:10.425 --> 00:08:21.889
And, long story short, a few days later, after we were home so I'm a few days postpartum I developed a very high fever and was laying on the bathroom floor shaking from the fever.

00:08:21.889 --> 00:08:26.851
It was so high and so we went to the ER and found out that that catheter had almost given me a kidney infection.

00:08:26.851 --> 00:08:29.449
I was on my way to getting a kidney infection because it was never treated.

00:08:29.449 --> 00:08:31.129
Catheters can give you UTIs.

00:08:31.129 --> 00:08:33.511
For those of you that don't know, I did not know that.

00:08:33.511 --> 00:08:34.548
Very painful.

00:08:34.548 --> 00:08:36.349
I also had torn.

00:08:36.349 --> 00:08:38.215
Some of my stitches had to get restitched.

00:08:38.215 --> 00:08:40.772
I couldn't sit for weeks, months.

00:08:40.772 --> 00:08:42.928
It was awful had the little donut pillow.

00:08:42.928 --> 00:08:44.345
Didn't even know till later on that.

00:08:44.345 --> 00:08:47.652
That actually makes it worse when you sit on those, because it just stretches and pulls them apart.

00:08:48.024 --> 00:08:49.149
It's really, really fun.

00:08:49.149 --> 00:08:55.289
Add in all the swelling and all that and the high fever and then I think oh, I also got my stylus pretty early on as well.

00:08:55.289 --> 00:08:56.570
This is all within a few weeks.

00:08:56.570 --> 00:08:59.032
So you know, another fever, aches, pains.

00:08:59.032 --> 00:09:02.890
I didn't really understand how to breastfeed, so latching and all that.

00:09:02.890 --> 00:09:03.306
I mean.

00:09:03.306 --> 00:09:06.852
Every time he would latch or cry some pain, tears would just start streaming.

00:09:06.852 --> 00:09:13.833
So I was that's kind of how the beginning of my first birth and all that went, which is what led me to my second two.

00:09:14.105 --> 00:09:25.251
I actually I normally don't interrupt, but I do have a couple of questions about that birth because I want to kind of try to clarify for moms that haven't gone through experience why some of those things might have happened.

00:09:25.251 --> 00:09:27.966
I'm only this is speculation, so I want to.

00:09:27.966 --> 00:09:29.312
That's why I want to ask questions.

00:09:29.312 --> 00:09:32.591
Because the first thing you did mention is that pitocin is synthetic.

00:09:32.591 --> 00:09:35.668
The one that we're giving you is a synthetic hormone and you were at a high dose.

00:09:35.668 --> 00:09:40.115
They broke your water, which will increase the what we call prostaglanins.

00:09:40.245 --> 00:09:43.289
That kind of have this feedback loop that put you into labor.

00:09:43.289 --> 00:09:45.211
So your body kicked into labor.

00:09:45.211 --> 00:09:48.111
But also the pitocin was causing labor.

00:09:48.111 --> 00:10:12.051
So sometimes and I'm not sure what the clinical thought process was at this point Sometimes, if you're contracting back to back, like you said, and feeling like you're not getting much relief from those contractions or you're not getting the time where your uterus can rest in between, which is ideally 60 seconds, we'll back off a little bit on the pitocin until we get into that good pattern.

00:10:12.051 --> 00:10:14.691
But also, at the same time you were saying you're getting your epidural.

00:10:14.845 --> 00:10:26.854
So I'm not I'm not going to try to speculate with the clinical reasoning was there, because there may have been something else that we don't know about, but that is what happens sometimes when your body starts to recognize the labor process.

00:10:26.854 --> 00:10:29.710
So sometimes the pitocin will have the synthetic contractions.

00:10:29.710 --> 00:10:35.173
Like you said, it's making your uterus contract, but it's not that real intense process.

00:10:35.173 --> 00:10:59.049
When your baby's head is coming down through your pelvis, partially because it's mechanical, when your water is still intact, your amniotic sac is still intact, your baby's kind of floating around, it's like a water balloon, right, you take the water out and then suddenly there's a lot of gravity working and it's going down through your cervix, down through those bones of your pelvis, and that is where the real intense feeling comes pressure and then those contractions.

00:10:59.049 --> 00:11:09.509
Your uterus is contracting around the baby instead of that soft fluid, and so then the contraction feels really intense and then your body recognizes that as labor and then those hormones.

00:11:09.509 --> 00:11:12.312
There's all this feedback and you're adding in the synthetic hormone as well.

00:11:12.312 --> 00:11:13.490
So that's that process.

00:11:13.585 --> 00:11:18.370
In case somebody didn't quite understand what that meant, then I'm curious about your epidural.

00:11:18.370 --> 00:11:22.812
Can you describe where you felt relief versus where you didn't feel relief?

00:11:22.812 --> 00:11:25.989
Was it higher up that you felt relief and then maybe down below you?

00:11:26.009 --> 00:11:26.291
did it.

00:11:26.291 --> 00:11:33.174
I don't part of that's like I wouldn't say blocked out, but it was so foggy for me it was weird.

00:11:33.174 --> 00:11:35.091
I still to this day every now.

00:11:35.091 --> 00:11:45.567
And then it's dissipated a lot in the last few years because of my son's six now but I do have like slight pain from where the needle was, but just like it's like a same spot every time, it'll go away.

00:11:45.567 --> 00:11:49.768
But yeah, I don't know if I remember, exactly Like the epidural itself.

00:11:50.750 --> 00:11:52.474
Like I said, needles don't bother me, I didn't really care.

00:11:52.474 --> 00:11:54.217
It wasn't that painful, I mean it hurt, but like.

00:11:54.544 --> 00:12:13.809
I didn't really have a problem with that, but at anything I tend to, especially the more I've learned and as years come by, I tend to go more natural way now for things anything that's not necessarily needed or is the most natural form of something I try to get away from, and the fact that in order to have that, you have the catheter as well, so it's pretty nice to get.

00:12:13.809 --> 00:12:24.610
And then, like I said, I'm pretty sensitive to anything foreign, so the typical side effects I usually get the shakes like those were pretty severe for me and obviously, like your legs, feel dead weight.

00:12:25.105 --> 00:12:26.551
That's a very feeling.

00:12:26.804 --> 00:12:30.030
Like I said, I could still feel stuff, the pain just lessened.

00:12:30.030 --> 00:12:31.769
I guess I did have my biggest.

00:12:31.769 --> 00:12:38.951
I guess like description I could call the contractions was like someone was electrocuting my back kind of what it felt like.

00:12:38.951 --> 00:12:41.890
Yeah, I had like shocks into my body.

00:12:41.890 --> 00:12:45.067
That's kind of what my first birth contractions kind of felt like.

00:12:45.067 --> 00:12:45.570
It was very.

00:12:45.965 --> 00:12:50.029
That's really interesting, where I have no scientific explanation for that.

00:12:50.029 --> 00:12:53.532
But, like you said, everybody has a different reaction.

00:12:53.532 --> 00:13:04.491
I agree, I am also sensitive and I have patients that are sensitive, like my blood pressure tanked both times and my baby's heart rate went down both times and I passed out both times after the epidural.

00:13:04.491 --> 00:13:07.471
If you're someone sensitive like that, you can have these reactions right.

00:13:07.471 --> 00:13:12.017
But and ideally we have ways to counteract those reactions.

00:13:12.017 --> 00:13:13.912
So that's why I'm curious about what happened to you.

00:13:13.912 --> 00:13:14.528
But I got nothing.

00:13:14.528 --> 00:13:16.160
At this point I don't know.

00:13:16.160 --> 00:13:19.731
I don't know what that was the shakes, that's normal.

00:13:19.731 --> 00:13:21.370
That can be either hormones.

00:13:21.370 --> 00:13:25.254
Were you 10 centimeters after you got your epidural or did it take some time?

00:13:25.254 --> 00:13:26.485
No, I was not 10 centimeters.

00:13:26.605 --> 00:13:27.389
Okay, so it took some time.

00:13:27.904 --> 00:13:35.793
So it can be a combination of hormones and maybe because you were kicked into active labor and then your fight or flight response kind of decreased a little bit once you got the epidural.

00:13:35.793 --> 00:13:42.192
And so then what will happen is you might get the shakes that's what anesthesia likes to say, because they don't want to be blamed for the shakes.

00:13:42.192 --> 00:13:47.691
There's another reason for the shakes that has that does have to do with the epidural, Also not anesthesia's fault.

00:13:47.691 --> 00:13:49.731
I know everybody likes to blame anesthesia.

00:13:49.731 --> 00:13:56.654
So another thing that can happen is your blood vessels will dilate in your extremities.

00:13:56.654 --> 00:14:01.491
When you get the epidural they kind of relax and that's why your blood pressure can drop.

00:14:01.491 --> 00:14:11.815
So I'm not sure if your blood pressure actually dropped, but when you're dilated in those extremities you're not as warm as you were before.

00:14:11.815 --> 00:14:16.153
So, like when you're hot, your blood vessels dilate in order to release heat, right.

00:14:16.153 --> 00:14:18.091
So that's what your extremities are doing.

00:14:18.304 --> 00:14:29.009
And then what you may experience is not a feeling of cold, because you can't feel your extremities anymore and your core is warm because that's not where your blood vessels are dilating, but your body will shiver.

00:14:29.009 --> 00:14:32.749
Your body knows that there's cold somewhere and we'll start to shake.

00:14:32.749 --> 00:14:44.649
So those are the reasons that I mean, they're not reasons we can necessarily control, because women will start having the shakes and labor and we just say you know what, Just let it flow, because if you fight it you're gonna be sore tomorrow.

00:14:44.649 --> 00:14:52.072
And then I try to cover the legs with warm blankets and the arms and stuff, even if you're not feeling cold.

00:14:52.072 --> 00:14:56.509
And then I don't wanna cover the core because that's where you're feeling hot and you wanna release your heat.

00:14:56.509 --> 00:15:00.972
So it's just this interesting paradox that your body is kind of experiencing.

00:15:00.972 --> 00:15:12.206
And then the other thing I wanted to talk about is the pain relief is do you remember what spot in your back like how high up that pinpoint is that you feel from where your epidural was?

00:15:12.544 --> 00:15:20.203
It was like Mid-back, I wonder if so, I had an epidural and I had two different epidural experiences and I'm grateful for both.

00:15:20.203 --> 00:15:27.830
It is a process where your catheter goes in and they go in blind, so it's not scientific.

00:15:27.830 --> 00:15:34.317
You know, we're not using an ultrasound to control it and even if we did, we can't control it because it's a floppy, it's almost like a fishing line.

00:15:34.317 --> 00:15:44.746
And so then with my first, like you said, I could feel a lot, but I was okay with that because I wanted to just take the edge off so I could push the second one, and I did feel the pulling of the stitches.

00:15:44.746 --> 00:15:45.370
That was weird.

00:15:45.370 --> 00:15:47.504
Yeah, it was like dental floss down there.

00:15:47.504 --> 00:15:48.230
It was so weird.

00:15:48.530 --> 00:15:52.798
Yes, the second one, it was a little bit high, which no complaints.

00:15:52.798 --> 00:15:54.422
It was an excellent epidural.

00:15:54.422 --> 00:15:55.803
I couldn't feel a thing.

00:15:55.803 --> 00:16:00.698
But then when they laid me down, I was like my bones are getting numb.

00:16:00.698 --> 00:16:02.003
Can we sit up a little bit?

00:16:03.990 --> 00:16:20.409
Because I know that sometimes if the medication migrates up which it can in any circumstance because it's not going to a specific spot in your spine, but if it migrates up enough, it can affect your diaphragm and then you don't feel your diaphragm, you feel like you can't breathe.

00:16:20.409 --> 00:16:23.903
It's a feeling that sometimes happens when you get a spinal and that's not.

00:16:23.903 --> 00:16:28.490
It's not the same spot that you get your spinal, but it can migrate up with your epidural if it's a little bit higher.

00:16:28.490 --> 00:16:32.250
And I have back abnormalities, so that it makes sense that that happened to me.

00:16:32.250 --> 00:16:42.001
But these are all there's all these potential, because we are doing something that is not in an exact spot that we can confirm that happens with the epidural.

00:16:42.022 --> 00:16:52.696
So I'm wondering if maybe when you felt like you couldn't breathe it was just a little bit higher up in your spine, for whatever reason, they're looking for the spot that looks like it's got the least resistance, so that could have been it.

00:16:52.696 --> 00:17:05.137
And then in doing that, maybe it wasn't low enough to get to where your catheter was, and why you've got a catheter urinary tract infection that I don't know, because it doesn't sound like it was in long enough for that to happen.

00:17:05.137 --> 00:17:07.968
So that sucks, but it is.

00:17:07.968 --> 00:17:08.730
It's a risk, but that sucks for you.

00:17:08.730 --> 00:17:11.499
Anyway, did you have anything to add to that?

00:17:11.499 --> 00:17:16.710
Those are just all my thoughts on like why that might happen, so that moms are not like oh, my God, this is so scary.

00:17:16.750 --> 00:17:17.959
That's just was my experience.

00:17:17.959 --> 00:17:18.987
I wouldn't scare anyone.

00:17:18.987 --> 00:17:23.684
Just something to be mindful of is things don't feel right or whatever.

00:17:23.684 --> 00:17:24.970
Don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do.

00:17:24.970 --> 00:17:26.930
Oh, absolutely, or when we're speak up.

00:17:28.175 --> 00:17:32.979
Yes, absolutely, and I'm sorry that you had that experience where you felt like they're kind of brushing you aside.

00:17:32.979 --> 00:17:35.609
I wish that anesthesia kind of calmed back in and helped troubleshoot that for you.

00:17:35.609 --> 00:17:46.150
If you don't have anything to add to my nurse explanation, I'd love to hear your next birth story and how your first story shaped your next experience.

00:17:47.292 --> 00:17:48.035
I did so.

00:17:48.035 --> 00:17:55.433
After that I was like never again will I get an epidural, because I don't want to even have the possibility of anything like that happening Ever again.

00:17:55.433 --> 00:17:56.979
I'm going to do this, all natural.

00:17:56.979 --> 00:18:00.130
I know it might suck, but I'll get through it.

00:18:00.411 --> 00:18:08.170
So I passed my due date once again with my second son, Like come on, Like no signs of labor Actually, okay, I'll take that back.

00:18:08.170 --> 00:18:13.622
I went to the hospital three times before he was born, thinking it was labor.

00:18:13.622 --> 00:18:19.803
He was a September baby, so I think at least one, if not a couple, of those were dehydration induced contractions.

00:18:19.803 --> 00:18:20.790
It was very hot.

00:18:20.790 --> 00:18:27.163
I was drinking lots of water, but still something to be mindful of is you have a summer, early fall baby to stay hydrated in the summer.

00:18:27.163 --> 00:18:29.458
So we went to the hospital a couple of times again.

00:18:29.458 --> 00:18:29.999
This may be it.

00:18:29.999 --> 00:18:36.130
This may be it, which would be polar opposite of our first being 41 weeks induced, and these would be like 30 something weeks, like early on their own.

00:18:36.130 --> 00:18:43.163
I actually one of those times really thought it was it and it was early, and we didn't find out the gender of any of our babies.

00:18:43.163 --> 00:18:44.653
They're all boys though.

00:18:44.653 --> 00:18:48.883
So they gave me the I think it's a steroid right.

00:18:48.883 --> 00:18:52.980
They gave me the steroid for the lungs just in case, and that was extremely painful.

00:18:52.980 --> 00:18:53.701
It burned.

00:18:53.701 --> 00:19:03.904
I wasn't prepared for that at all and it really felt like they were just like shooting fire up your veins every time they had to fill it back up through the IV in your hand.

00:19:03.904 --> 00:19:05.192
It's yeah.

00:19:05.192 --> 00:19:05.875
I mean.

00:19:05.875 --> 00:19:10.150
I was in tears and I don't cry very much from pain, so it hurt.

00:19:10.150 --> 00:19:13.396
We were walking the halls thinking this is it like getting labor moving?

00:19:13.396 --> 00:19:15.883
And then I never progressed so they sent me home.

00:19:15.883 --> 00:19:17.934
That was even the second or third time.

00:19:18.316 --> 00:19:24.896
So anyways, now that 40 weeks and five days is when I decided to get induced with him, I did not do pitocin.

00:19:24.896 --> 00:19:26.221
I said can you just break my water?

00:19:26.221 --> 00:19:27.929
This time I know this will happen.

00:19:27.929 --> 00:19:30.605
Last time that's all my body needed was just my water broken.

00:19:30.605 --> 00:19:31.170
Can you just break my water?

00:19:31.170 --> 00:19:37.150
And she said yeah, but you realize, if we do that and you don't progress, then we have to give you pitocin because there's some infection and everything.

00:19:37.150 --> 00:19:40.619
And I was like yeah, that's fine, but it'll work, Trust me, just do it.

00:19:40.619 --> 00:19:42.193
They're like okay.

00:19:42.193 --> 00:19:45.426
So long story short, and then I'll get back into the details.

00:19:45.426 --> 00:19:47.933
7am or so, we like check in, she breaks our water.

00:19:47.933 --> 00:19:49.377
He's born at 11 that morning.

00:19:49.377 --> 00:19:50.580
So I was right.

00:19:51.369 --> 00:19:56.481
Four hours later and no, I do not have an epidural, I did it unmedicated.

00:19:56.481 --> 00:20:03.476
Except they allow you to have three doses of fentanyl to take the edge off and it has to be spaced out every 15 minutes or so.

00:20:03.476 --> 00:20:16.392
So I did that because natural childbirth is no joke, obviously, and I had really bad back labor with him because he was in my stomach like diagonally, so well, actually both.

00:20:16.392 --> 00:20:23.455
But I had really bad back labor and, in addition to the front, contractions because he was in like both sides and so it was really painful.

00:20:23.455 --> 00:20:25.265
So I need the fentanyl to like take the edge off.

00:20:25.405 --> 00:20:26.170
This one was very different.

00:20:26.170 --> 00:20:27.114
I was walking.

00:20:27.114 --> 00:20:31.150
I wasn't walking around with my first birth, I was walking around with him, could not sit down or lay down.

00:20:31.150 --> 00:20:33.017
That's the last thing I wanted to do.

00:20:33.017 --> 00:20:39.808
The most comfortable position for me was slow dance move with my husband, like hanging over him or sometimes hanging on the rocking chair.

00:20:39.808 --> 00:20:48.084
Things like that Felt the most relieving with that kind of pain and did have a second degree tear and didn't even feel it, despite not having an epidural.

00:20:48.084 --> 00:20:50.338
He was a bigger baby than my first.

00:20:50.338 --> 00:20:55.336
He was a nine pound baby and I'm not a very big person 21 and a half inches, Like he was pretty big.

00:20:55.336 --> 00:21:00.170
The nurse was like you just gave birth to three month old, because he didn't come out looking like a newborn.

00:21:00.170 --> 00:21:15.657
So it was just crazy that, like my second birth with a bigger baby but unnatural was actually I wouldn't say easy, but like quote unquote like not as bad of an experience Still painful obviously.

00:21:15.698 --> 00:21:19.170
I mean one of the worst pains you can ever be in in your life is childbirth.

00:21:19.170 --> 00:21:23.170
But my recovery another reason why I'm so glad I did it without my epidural was night and day.

00:21:23.170 --> 00:21:26.236
The only issue I had was like getting up.

00:21:26.236 --> 00:21:33.055
I lost a lot of blood pretty quick, so I did get feinty for a while, but other than that I felt like me.

00:21:33.055 --> 00:21:34.517
I did not feel drugged up.

00:21:34.517 --> 00:21:39.125
I felt normal again after he was born, except when I would have to get up to go do something.

00:21:39.125 --> 00:21:42.017
It was just like the blood loss was a little bit more with him.

00:21:42.017 --> 00:21:42.980
But that was it.

00:21:42.980 --> 00:21:44.142
Like my healing was better.

00:21:44.142 --> 00:21:47.039
I was also healthier during his pregnancy, so that had something to do with it too.

00:21:47.039 --> 00:21:56.036
But, like I said, painful obviously, but four hours later just break my water, a few doses of fentanyl and that was it and he was born with.

00:21:56.176 --> 00:22:09.847
Yeah, I had the tearing but didn't feel it Stitch right up pretty easy and my midwife actually told me that I was worried about tearing again because my tearing the first time was so severe, so awful, I couldn't sit, Like all these stitches had to get restitched again.

00:22:09.847 --> 00:22:10.150
They fell out.

00:22:10.150 --> 00:22:19.354
She said actually each baby you have will break up the scar tissue you have from the previous one, so you won't tear as much or as bad, you may not even tear at all and even if you do, you won't feel it.

00:22:19.354 --> 00:22:20.056
It will hurt as bad.

00:22:20.056 --> 00:22:21.079
And that was very true.

00:22:21.079 --> 00:22:26.170
And I also noticed that it hurt worse after the first one for a while, the scar tissue.

00:22:26.170 --> 00:22:28.615
But like as I've had more kids, the scar tissue doesn't hurt.

00:22:28.615 --> 00:22:32.623
It's bad, it's still there, but it's not nearly as bad as it was after that first one.

00:22:33.170 --> 00:22:34.775
Yeah, I have the same experience with the scar tissue.

00:22:34.775 --> 00:22:36.140
It's a nightmare after that first one.

00:22:36.140 --> 00:22:40.961
I love that you had them break your water instead of just I love that.

00:22:40.961 --> 00:22:42.413
I love that you had a little bit of a boss move.

00:22:42.413 --> 00:22:42.753
That was amazing.

00:22:42.753 --> 00:22:44.357
I mean, that's all your body needed, yeah.

00:22:44.357 --> 00:22:47.653
Yeah, do you know what position your babies were in?

00:22:47.653 --> 00:22:57.433
You said one was kind of sideways in your body but you said you had lightning pain in your back with your first or like electrical current, like oh, I had my first one, the position of him.

00:22:57.493 --> 00:22:59.318
I don't remember them telling me any of that.

00:22:59.318 --> 00:23:01.653
I did have to listen to Previa with him.

00:23:01.653 --> 00:23:03.538
That did get rid of it, thankfully.

00:23:03.538 --> 00:23:06.232
So I didn't have to have a C-section.

00:23:06.232 --> 00:23:07.538
I was worried about that.

00:23:07.538 --> 00:23:08.550
With my first I had one.

00:23:08.550 --> 00:23:13.315
That one, and then also my third, was Breach for a very long time, but then he flipped before.

00:23:13.315 --> 00:23:13.836
I can't burst.

00:23:14.210 --> 00:23:18.101
Yeah, so a lot of the times with back labor your baby's head will be faced the wrong way.

00:23:18.101 --> 00:23:24.499
We want the hardest part of the head, the back of the head, to be towards your front so that it can kind of push through and pave the way.

00:23:24.499 --> 00:23:29.536
But if the face is there then you're getting the hardest part of your head in your back and you'll have that pain in your back.

00:23:29.536 --> 00:23:30.227
So I'm just wondering.

00:23:30.227 --> 00:23:34.376
I mean, it sounds like maybe they turned before you delivered, but it sounds like you had some.

00:23:35.367 --> 00:23:37.294
I had really bad round leg pain with him as well.

00:23:37.294 --> 00:23:38.675
Yeah, brought my belly button.

00:23:38.675 --> 00:23:40.950
I mean really bad so during my pregnancy.

00:23:40.950 --> 00:23:53.151
So I'm wondering if the position he was in the whole time he kept pressing up against it, I think, and I was all belly with him Like I didn't gain much anywhere else but my belly got really very much basketball-y Well he was nine pounds.

00:23:53.726 --> 00:23:54.971
There's no place for him to go.

00:23:54.971 --> 00:23:55.905
Yep, and then.

00:23:55.905 --> 00:24:00.817
Okay, so then you did that natural labor four hours, three hours later, your baby was born.

00:24:00.817 --> 00:24:02.069
What happened with your third?

00:24:02.566 --> 00:24:04.472
Similar story kind of.

00:24:04.472 --> 00:24:06.648
I went a couple times thinking it was it.

00:24:06.648 --> 00:24:23.169
It was my third and I'm like, okay, I know things go faster this time around, like so anytime I had the least bit of maybe contractions or cramps, I was like maybe this is it Because I was afraid of waiting it out, and now I've got two kids that someone needs to watch them that I got to plan things ahead for.

00:24:23.169 --> 00:24:30.272
So I didn't want to be in a bad situation of like, oh no, the baby's coming like now and I don't have anything planned for them and I don't have where they're going to go and I don't have anything packed.

00:24:30.272 --> 00:24:32.372
So we went a couple times thinking it was it.

00:24:32.372 --> 00:24:34.473
One time I was doing a lot of things.

00:24:34.473 --> 00:24:38.428
I was doing lunges, I was bouncing on the ball in the hospital room like trying to get myself to progress.

00:24:38.428 --> 00:24:41.094
I was like not going back home, I'm not going back home again.

00:24:41.094 --> 00:24:41.895
I'm not doing this again.

00:24:41.895 --> 00:24:42.497
I did.

00:24:42.497 --> 00:24:44.050
They're like, nope, nothing's happening.

00:24:44.050 --> 00:24:45.068
Oh, come on.

00:24:45.068 --> 00:24:51.294
Because I had to like send my kids to the grandparents and then bring them back home and tell them no, no, baby, and like it was just a lot of confusion for them.

00:24:51.294 --> 00:24:53.491
They were really young, so it was just a lot.

00:24:53.491 --> 00:24:55.911
And we were we never really fully unpacked.

00:24:55.911 --> 00:24:57.635
So our house was in disarray.

00:24:57.635 --> 00:25:03.575
We were always like had bags ready and then we were living out the bags and his birth and coming into this world was very stressful.

00:25:03.575 --> 00:25:05.252
So I had two toddlers at the time.

00:25:05.775 --> 00:25:09.269
So I was the Friday night into early Saturday morning, so like overnight I woke up.

00:25:09.269 --> 00:25:11.234
So at this point I'm 38 and 6.

00:25:11.234 --> 00:25:12.487
This is relevant.

00:25:12.487 --> 00:25:20.153
So I woke up puking my guts out and I was puking so hard I thought my water had broken because, like every time I would throw out there was like a gush.

00:25:20.153 --> 00:25:22.730
But is this like I'm in labor?

00:25:22.730 --> 00:25:23.815
And it was awful.

00:25:23.815 --> 00:25:28.135
I mean, I think it was like four hours of just I kept getting stuff out of my body.

00:25:28.135 --> 00:25:32.711
I thought this is how my mom come over in the middle of the night and we drove to the hospital on the highway.

00:25:32.711 --> 00:25:33.693
I puked on the highway.

00:25:33.693 --> 00:25:38.096
My husband had pull over on the highway and I threw up on the side of it and we kept going.

00:25:38.096 --> 00:25:42.155
I felt so sick and I was like I hope this is a sign like this maybe means I'm in labor.

00:25:42.525 --> 00:25:45.273
Turns out that's not your water and I'm like well, I didn't pee myself.

00:25:45.273 --> 00:25:48.613
That was a lot of fluid that just kept gushing out.

00:25:48.613 --> 00:25:49.997
But they never gave me an answer.

00:25:49.997 --> 00:25:52.113
But they tested and said it wasn't the amniotic fluid.

00:25:52.113 --> 00:25:56.736
So I was like, okay, well, this makes no sense, but I was obviously extremely dehydrated at that point.

00:25:56.736 --> 00:25:59.093
Also, I was having diarrhea at the same time.

00:25:59.093 --> 00:26:02.355
It was a lot for any person, much less someone who's nine months pregnant.

00:26:02.355 --> 00:26:03.670
Add that into the equation.

00:26:03.670 --> 00:26:05.711
It was literally the worst thing ever.

00:26:06.566 --> 00:26:08.894
And so I was there for a while to like I felt good enough.

00:26:08.894 --> 00:26:09.154
Again.

00:26:09.154 --> 00:26:10.329
They sent me home with morphine.

00:26:10.329 --> 00:26:13.051
I thought I'd had some fluids and I passed out.

00:26:13.051 --> 00:26:15.551
When we got home I slept on the couch for like four hours straight.

00:26:15.551 --> 00:26:17.710
I just felt kind of weak and off that day.

00:26:17.710 --> 00:26:24.672
The next day I was 39 weeks it was my oldest fourth birthday, celebrated his birthday still kind of fell off.

00:26:24.672 --> 00:26:31.113
Then later that night into mid Monday morning, like overnight, I got sick again throughout for four straight hours.

00:26:31.113 --> 00:26:31.634
Again.

00:26:31.634 --> 00:26:33.329
It's like come on, what is this?

00:26:33.329 --> 00:26:35.609
So, like Monday, I'm healing, resting up.

00:26:35.609 --> 00:26:38.588
Then Tuesday now I'm 39 and two I start cramping.

00:26:38.588 --> 00:26:40.429
Cramping is getting a little bit more intense.

00:26:40.429 --> 00:26:41.090
A little more intense.

00:26:41.090 --> 00:26:42.294
Maybe this is it.

00:26:42.294 --> 00:26:45.278
Like this is labor I my third trimester was Ross with him.

00:26:45.278 --> 00:26:46.424
I was just so uncomfortable and done.

00:26:46.424 --> 00:26:50.056
I was taking care of two toddlers and, yeah, I was just physically done.

00:26:50.184 --> 00:26:58.189
And then now, I have all this coming out of my system and the cramping was coming and coming and coming and then I was like, okay, let's go Like this, this is it.

00:26:58.189 --> 00:27:01.133
Surely this makes sense, surely this is it.

00:27:01.133 --> 00:27:03.753
My body's finally doing this on its own, which would be so nice.

00:27:03.753 --> 00:27:05.371
I don't have to have anybody do anything for me.

00:27:05.371 --> 00:27:06.529
It just happened naturally.

00:27:06.529 --> 00:27:10.214
And then, once we finally get everything squared away, get my kids to my parents' house.

00:27:10.444 --> 00:27:27.714
As we get to my parents' house, I had already called to make sure that my midwife that had delivered my second one was there, cause she's only at this specific hospital during the office hours during the day, so she's going to get off at like five or five PM and it was at two o'clock, so I had about three hours left before she was off her shift and I really wanted her.

00:27:27.714 --> 00:27:32.648
And we got into my parents' house and I knew in my head I was like this isn't labor, they were subsiding.

00:27:32.648 --> 00:27:41.010
I just, I just knew, but I didn't say anything cause I was like, maybe, if I just go, like, I'm just done, whether this is labor or not, I'm done.

00:27:41.010 --> 00:27:43.310
So I got there and she was like yeah, I don't know.

00:27:43.332 --> 00:27:44.996
I was like can you spring my water?

00:27:44.996 --> 00:27:45.567
I'm already here.

00:27:45.567 --> 00:27:47.411
They told me they couldn't do anything.

00:27:47.411 --> 00:27:54.614
This is why I said how far I was in my pregnancy before they can't do anything induction wise until like 39 weeks.

00:27:54.614 --> 00:27:57.333
More obviously you know that, but I don't know if the listeners know that.

00:27:57.333 --> 00:28:01.395
So I was 38 and six when I came in with that awful stomach bug the first time.

00:28:01.395 --> 00:28:07.893
So they couldn't do anything then and I didn't go back to the hospital again until 39 and two and I was like I'm already here, I'm miserable.

00:28:08.365 --> 00:28:12.692
Like this has happened the past few days for me, Like I was better now, but now I'm cramping and the cramp is gone.

00:28:12.692 --> 00:28:13.214
This is weird.

00:28:13.214 --> 00:28:14.269
Can you just break my water again?

00:28:14.269 --> 00:28:16.853
She's like yeah, you know, I got to get off in a couple hours.

00:28:16.853 --> 00:28:18.371
I mean, I'll be here with the babies born.

00:28:18.371 --> 00:28:21.351
And I was like that's, that's fine, Just give my body some time.

00:28:21.351 --> 00:28:23.490
I'm like I don't have control over how fast my body progresses.

00:28:23.490 --> 00:28:25.556
But I was like clock was ticking.

00:28:25.556 --> 00:28:35.595
I was like two, 33 o'clock and I remember when he was born, I she was there, she delivered him and I looked up at the clock and he was born around 6 30 pm.

00:28:35.595 --> 00:28:40.708
I was like she stayed for me and she's like, well, yeah, you were in pain, I couldn't just leave you.

00:28:40.708 --> 00:28:45.299
She told me previously she had all these plans for in the evening with her family and whatnot.

00:28:45.299 --> 00:28:46.925
It was very kind of her, but anyways.

00:28:47.307 --> 00:28:56.130
So my whole labor with him she broke my water to use, born about three hours an hour quicker than my second one from start to finish water breaking to when he was born I did the fentanyl again.

00:28:56.130 --> 00:29:05.808
The biggest difference with him versus my second was he was signing side up, which is what you were talking about earlier, where their faces up when you give birth and it burns like none other.

00:29:05.808 --> 00:29:07.292
Very, very painful.

00:29:07.292 --> 00:29:11.132
And he was my smallest baby, so size doesn't necessarily mean anything in regards to pain.

00:29:11.132 --> 00:29:12.336
Don't let that freak you out.

00:29:12.336 --> 00:29:13.269
Well, they tell you how big your baby is.

00:29:13.288 --> 00:29:14.313
An ultrasound usually it's wrong.

00:29:14.313 --> 00:29:19.857
Anyways, mine were in the order eight, nine and seven pounds and the seven pound one hurt the most.

00:29:19.857 --> 00:29:22.513
So it really has nothing to do with anything.

00:29:22.513 --> 00:29:25.829
And he was my third body already done this several times, Very, very painful.

00:29:25.829 --> 00:29:31.493
But I don't know if there's anything you can do about that ahead of time or if this is something it just happens and is what it is.

00:29:31.493 --> 00:29:42.477
So yeah, his was very painful, Everything leading up to his was painful, but I did it again without the bedural and it was just very relieving to be done at that point with his.

00:29:42.565 --> 00:29:45.292
So yeah, did you have back labor with that one too?

00:29:45.452 --> 00:29:46.296
The pain part.

00:29:46.296 --> 00:29:48.432
I mean, yeah, it was probably pretty much a blur.

00:29:48.432 --> 00:29:50.593
I just remember the I guess it's the ring of fire.

00:29:50.593 --> 00:29:53.444
I didn't really feel like I felt that, but that's what it sounds like.

00:29:53.444 --> 00:30:01.615
What describes to me is when I had the sunny side up and maybe with the scar tissue as well they're already from my other two and he was just hitting that spot when he came out.

00:30:02.006 --> 00:30:05.593
I don't know, but yeah, did they ever figure out why you were throwing up so much?

00:30:05.904 --> 00:30:16.911
It was a stomach bug, because a few days as I should say, a few days after we got home, my son got it Not my infant, but my toddlers and then, after he had it, my other toddler had it and then my other one had it again.

00:30:16.911 --> 00:30:25.750
So we didn't have anyone coming over to visit us and help us out for the first few weeks, because no one wanted that I mean I don't blame them, but that really sucks.

00:30:27.153 --> 00:30:27.555
You got it.

00:30:27.555 --> 00:30:28.336
You got it all.

00:30:28.664 --> 00:30:33.375
His whole first pre-month and month of life was horrible for a sense of family.

00:30:33.375 --> 00:30:34.688
Yeah, that's awful.

00:30:35.265 --> 00:30:36.431
I wanted to go back.

00:30:36.431 --> 00:30:42.117
You mentioned something about the steroid which is, I believe I mean, I would imagine it's beta methicone.

00:30:42.117 --> 00:30:44.811
That's the only one that I know of that we give from pregnancy.

00:30:45.012 --> 00:30:46.115
I don't know the name, yeah.

00:30:46.384 --> 00:30:49.994
It's unusual for where I work to do it in the IV.

00:30:49.994 --> 00:30:51.951
It burns no matter where you put it.

00:30:51.951 --> 00:30:59.631
We usually do intramuscular, so I would imagine I guess I never paid attention to whether or not you could do it IV or IVM.

00:30:59.631 --> 00:31:00.748
I just do it in the.

00:31:00.748 --> 00:31:03.535
I do it in the butt because it's the biggest muscle, because it is.

00:31:04.136 --> 00:31:08.997
It's like it's two milliliters of this very viscous solution.

00:31:08.997 --> 00:31:19.136
Yeah, it does burn, but it really helps with that development of the lungs and especially the surfactant helps babies produce that which helps the lungs open up and stay open.

00:31:19.136 --> 00:31:26.512
It reduces the surface tension of the fluid outside of the alveoli, which are the little bitty sacs in the lungs that we want to stay open after they deliver.

00:31:26.512 --> 00:31:27.194
So that does help.

00:31:27.194 --> 00:31:29.452
Let's move on to your postpartum period.

00:31:29.452 --> 00:31:33.973
So with your first, you said that it inspired you to.

00:31:33.973 --> 00:31:36.337
Was it your first that inspired you to start blogging?

00:31:36.337 --> 00:31:38.413
You mentioned that when we talked previously.

00:31:38.704 --> 00:31:46.295
I didn't actually start blogging until after my second, but I shared experiences from my first because, that one was worse than my second one.

00:31:46.664 --> 00:31:53.659
So talk about what happened in that postpartum period that motivated you to share your experience with other moms.

00:31:53.964 --> 00:31:59.375
Well, part of it was I was the first of my peers to have a kid, so I didn't have a motherhood community.

00:31:59.375 --> 00:32:00.739
I didn't have any mom friends.

00:32:00.739 --> 00:32:05.628
I didn't have anyone telling me, hey, here's what's really going to happen, or it's normal to feel this way.

00:32:05.628 --> 00:32:09.574
I only have much older adults just kind of giving me encouragement and advice.

00:32:09.574 --> 00:32:10.765
That was how.

00:32:10.765 --> 00:32:19.604
It wasn't kind but not necessarily applicable or helpful, and I didn't want to open up about some of this stuff because it was hard and vulnerable and messy and TMI.

00:32:19.604 --> 00:32:21.913
I feel like no one needs to know some of these things.

00:32:21.913 --> 00:32:27.407
So that part, just everything that I went through that factor made it a lot harder to be alone.

00:32:27.407 --> 00:32:33.971
In a sense I had my husband, but he's never going to go through this, so he can only support me in certain ways and that's it.

00:32:33.971 --> 00:32:34.814
There's a limit to that.

00:32:34.814 --> 00:32:35.916
And he went to work.

00:32:35.916 --> 00:32:41.664
So I was home all day alone with my baby and had visitors here and there, but not a ton Anyone.

00:32:41.684 --> 00:32:45.015
When you become a first time mom you're like thrust into the rest of your life.

00:32:45.015 --> 00:32:58.471
That's such a trauma, especially if you've physically had them, that your body's gone through you feel from that trauma while also carrying 24, seven for another human being that cannot do anything for themselves.

00:32:58.471 --> 00:33:00.345
That's like the bare minimum.

00:33:00.345 --> 00:33:05.537
Much less if you have other children or a husband or family, friends, like job whatever.

00:33:05.537 --> 00:33:07.594
So your life is obviously never the same again.

00:33:07.594 --> 00:33:08.479
But you also aren't.

00:33:08.479 --> 00:33:13.307
No matter how many people can tell you about it, you really aren't prepared to experience it yourself, and so mine was.

00:33:13.386 --> 00:33:18.549
I had the physical issues and the tearing really bad, the swelling, the stitches, all that.

00:33:18.549 --> 00:33:24.057
The breastfeeding was painful and he actually had a four mil high milk imbalance that I didn't know about.

00:33:24.057 --> 00:33:26.792
Later I was very engorged like an oversupply.

00:33:26.792 --> 00:33:30.843
So basically the imbalance means my milk was a fatty enough, but I produced a ton.

00:33:30.843 --> 00:33:35.664
But he, coming to find out months later, had reflux as well, so he wasn't gaining.

00:33:35.965 --> 00:33:39.570
He also lost at one point Like baby's do lose a little bit in the very, very, very beginning.

00:33:39.570 --> 00:33:59.337
But his was more severe and he would scream bloody murder after he would feed and lay down because the reflux, that was painful for it to come back up in esophagus and therefore he couldn't sleep and therefore I was not sleeping and so we got to this very, very rough cycle of pain and no sleep and that affects your mental health.

00:33:59.337 --> 00:34:26.391
And then you got the hormone side of mental health, of your body adjusting and things not getting regulated the way they should, and I was just basically a recipe for disaster with me and with him, until I got his reflux figured out, seeing a pediatrician no offense to them, but they're not trained in that, so he just gives the attack and push you away and that doesn't do squat because you have to up the dose as they grow and babies grow very fast in the very beginning.

00:34:27.344 --> 00:34:27.626
And it didn't.

00:34:27.626 --> 00:34:28.871
It didn't do anything for him.

00:34:28.871 --> 00:34:37.268
So we took him to a pediatric gastroenterologist which can actually treat this, because mine was obviously more than just like spitting up and I talk about this on my blog.

00:34:37.268 --> 00:34:38.791
But spitting up is all.

00:34:38.791 --> 00:34:44.461
Babies spit up is not the same as reflux and when there's an issue with weight gain and weight loss, severe pain.

00:34:44.461 --> 00:34:50.771
When they spit up, not just like spitting up a lot, but it doesn't affect their weight, and where they're happy spitters is what we call them, there's nothing to worry about.

00:34:50.771 --> 00:34:52.630
It's just a laundry problem for you.

00:34:52.630 --> 00:35:00.853
But all three of my kids spit up a ton, but his was the most severe as far as the pain goes, so he had to get onto medication for it until he outgrew it, which sucked.

00:35:01.224 --> 00:35:15.215
But once we got that squared away and a few months of severe sleep deprivation goes by and I'm slowly I mean like healing at the snail's pace, it felt like to me I got to the point where I was like I can't live like this anymore.

00:35:15.215 --> 00:35:24.152
And this is the point where some moms either improve things or end things, and I'm not one to end things.

00:35:24.152 --> 00:35:27.690
I'm pushed through and I'm like, no, I'm gonna fight back, I'm gonna make things better.

00:35:27.690 --> 00:35:29.170
I'm always gonna fix this for me.

00:35:29.170 --> 00:35:31.971
But me, this is my job and I'm not gonna live like this anymore.

00:35:31.971 --> 00:35:35.929
I mean, I just had strong, constant headaches from the sleep deprivation.

00:35:35.929 --> 00:35:38.793
I was angry at everyone, rage, hated the world.

00:35:38.793 --> 00:35:42.610
I was in a fog because when you don't sleep a lot, it really messes with you.

00:35:42.610 --> 00:35:49.230
It's a form of torture in some places, like when you go that long without sleep, and that's how it felt to me and I was like I can't live like this anymore.

00:35:49.230 --> 00:35:50.172
He needs rest.

00:35:50.172 --> 00:35:51.034
I need rest.

00:35:51.034 --> 00:35:55.152
I can't heal from this traumatic thing that my body went through if I'm not resting.

00:35:55.152 --> 00:36:07.253
So that's when I really dove into figuring out his sleep and what he needed and was able to give him what he needed in regards to his sleep and his feeding and getting weighed again, and then, therefore, I was able to heal and get some rest.

00:36:07.253 --> 00:36:13.811
So learning all that is what actually made my second one go so much better, even though they're 16 months apart.

00:36:13.811 --> 00:36:15.090
So I had the two under two lives.

00:36:15.144 --> 00:36:16.590
It was a very quick turnaround of getting pregnant.

00:36:16.590 --> 00:36:19.567
Once again, I was seven months postpartum, right when I had healed.

00:36:19.567 --> 00:36:27.746
Finally, it took at least a good six months for me to like feel normal Okay, I wouldn't say normal better, let's say better because I was never normal, especially after.

00:36:27.746 --> 00:36:33.811
My body will never be the same but to get to like a good spot and I mean I was healthier during his pregnancy.

00:36:33.811 --> 00:36:35.309
I remember his story.

00:36:35.309 --> 00:36:41.612
I changed things around for way better and therefore my postpartum was better because I was healthier going into it.

00:36:41.612 --> 00:36:52.336
The trauma wasn't as severe as it didn't have to be as severe that way, because of the measures I took and owned my decisions and doctors work for you, you don't work for them.

00:36:52.336 --> 00:36:54.811
So I said this is what I want through this.

00:36:54.811 --> 00:36:55.855
I'm not doing that.

00:36:55.855 --> 00:36:58.112
I said no, the things that I did not want to do.

00:36:58.385 --> 00:37:04.853
And my journey into that postpartum season of my second was really not that hard at all.

00:37:04.853 --> 00:37:05.434
Honestly.

00:37:05.434 --> 00:37:14.248
Yeah, I had another one, but I think because they were so close in nature, it was actually easier because he didn't really remember what it was like to be in early childhood and he loves.

00:37:14.248 --> 00:37:27.574
He had loved his brother from day one and helped me out and it was so cute and he would always just bring him stuff, and so that, I think, lowered my stress level and helped me to heal faster and I also knew how to get my baby to sleep as well.

00:37:27.574 --> 00:37:29.992
So if he's sleeping, I'm sleeping.

00:37:29.992 --> 00:37:30.875
So that helped as well.

00:37:31.025 --> 00:37:37.715
And then with my third it was back to kind of the whirlwind again because of how everything started going into his birth.

00:37:37.715 --> 00:37:40.474
We actually didn't even have a car for family of five before he was born.

00:37:40.474 --> 00:37:41.027
How to get one.

00:37:41.027 --> 00:37:43.199
After he was born I had no problems with my car.

00:37:43.199 --> 00:37:46.047
I love my car but it didn't fit our new family and we couldn't get it to.

00:37:46.047 --> 00:37:47.949
After he was born, didn't he have a name picked out for him?

00:37:47.949 --> 00:37:48.610
I mean, it was just.

00:37:48.610 --> 00:37:51.831
And then that whole stomach bug and everything was just a disaster.

00:37:51.831 --> 00:38:00.572
And now I had a four and a two and a half year old and him and my four year old actually had it problems adjusting with him, which we didn't expect.

00:38:00.572 --> 00:38:02.820
That Usually think the baby's gonna have problem.

00:38:03.344 --> 00:38:05.672
My middle child is the most easygoing person on this planet.

00:38:05.672 --> 00:38:16.132
My oldest did not handle it as well and it wasn't with our son, it was with me and us, and so that was a big learning curve for us to.

00:38:16.132 --> 00:38:20.548
I mean, he just acted out like crazy and he had never had.

00:38:20.548 --> 00:38:23.088
He was like our angel child up until this point.

00:38:23.088 --> 00:38:29.909
So that was a whole nother thing to add on to me being newly postpartum and emotional and hormones are going crazy.

00:38:29.909 --> 00:38:43.688
And then now I'm dealing with my new four year old, who is a completely different child than he would have used to be, and lashing out and just like breaking my heart and then like I'm stressed cause I'm trying three, three and beyond is like a whole different ball game than one or two.

00:38:43.688 --> 00:38:52.996
When you add that third one, it just like not saying it goes terrible, but it just it adds a whole another level of crazy to things.

00:38:52.996 --> 00:38:55.554
But you also get to a place where you don't care about as much anymore.

00:38:55.554 --> 00:38:56.911
So it is kind of level me out a bit.

00:38:56.911 --> 00:39:04.172
But and I have three boys too, so that's a different scenario but dealing with him and I actually did have postpartum depression again.

00:39:04.211 --> 00:39:07.588
I didn't mention that before, but I had really bad postpartum depression and anxiety with my first.

00:39:07.588 --> 00:39:11.289
A lot of it was the hormone issue, obviously, and the anxiety part.

00:39:11.289 --> 00:39:23.273
I struggled with anxiety pre-pregnancy but this was heightened because when it's your first child, anxiety is an issue with lack of control and wanting to control things you can't and so obviously when you have your first child.

00:39:23.273 --> 00:39:26.014
You want to control everything that they do and what happens to them.

00:39:26.014 --> 00:39:30.873
And I mean I couldn't let anyone watch him, even though, like, I didn't know what I was doing while watching him.

00:39:30.873 --> 00:39:31.326
So why did?

00:39:31.326 --> 00:39:31.385
I?

00:39:31.385 --> 00:39:32.311
Think I could handle it better?

00:39:32.311 --> 00:39:42.670
I wasn't, but something that gets in our head is that no one can do it better than me mentality, and so I got like very anxious anytime like leaving him or anytime someone else did something with him, even though I was still there.

00:39:42.670 --> 00:39:44.632
The anxiety part went away after that.

00:39:44.632 --> 00:39:49.632
I've figured out ways to cope with it since him, but the depression did come back with my third.

00:39:49.945 --> 00:39:56.831
I really didn't want to be here and the only thing that kept me going with my third was him Honestly, not even my toddlers.

00:39:56.831 --> 00:40:01.331
I was so kind of burnt out with him at this point, but it was my baby Cause there's just something about babies.

00:40:01.331 --> 00:40:07.565
When he wasn't crying, obviously, but when he knew he was happy, in a good mood, just kind of this peace between us and I.

00:40:07.565 --> 00:40:10.626
Like every night what I would do is bedtime feeding before bed.

00:40:10.626 --> 00:40:12.333
It was just me and him, cause I was nursing him.

00:40:12.333 --> 00:40:21.909
So my husband had the other two put them to bed, so it was like just me and him time and I would record, I posted on my stories on Instagram and I also recorded for myself and saved it so I could go back and look on it.

00:40:21.909 --> 00:40:30.193
But I would record our conversations every night when we would, after he would eat cause, like I said, they all spit up so I would hold them for a little while before I laid them down.

00:40:30.193 --> 00:40:33.851
So it was like kind of our time to respond before he was old enough to like read books too and everything.

00:40:33.851 --> 00:40:36.251
And it was cool to watch as he grew.

00:40:36.251 --> 00:40:42.730
He went from just kind of laying there and being cute to babbling and then talking and then waving and it was just really special moment.

00:40:43.324 --> 00:40:48.192
So that was really the only thing that kept me going during that season and I wrote a blog post about it.

00:40:48.192 --> 00:40:54.293
But I at the end I put I'm in love with my baby but I'm not in love with this season and I told my husband I recognized when I had it.

00:40:54.293 --> 00:40:56.632
I was open and honest with him about it.

00:40:56.632 --> 00:41:05.891
I said I don't know how I'm going to fix it, I don't know when it's going to end, but just let you know this is where I'm at, because a lot of moms we just keep it inside and that's when bad things happen.

00:41:05.891 --> 00:41:18.277
You know, and I was also telling him to keep me accountable so that he wouldn't let me do anything crazy or out of my messed up mental state at the time until things regulated.

00:41:18.405 --> 00:41:22.773
And it took honestly took a while for that to subside and get regulated a lot longer than with my first.

00:41:22.773 --> 00:41:26.827
But the positive thing is, at this point I did have them all on consistent schedules and routines.

00:41:26.827 --> 00:41:28.226
They all slept well Cause.

00:41:28.226 --> 00:41:30.092
Now my third go around, I knew what I was doing.

00:41:30.092 --> 00:41:34.509
But there's just some things that as much as we like to control, we can't.

00:41:34.509 --> 00:41:40.206
And having to let go and release that and just trust that we'll all fix it self and do time but there's not.

00:41:40.206 --> 00:41:46.572
That doesn't necessarily mean you can't do things in the meantime to help it progress faster or waste a cope and things like that.

00:41:46.572 --> 00:41:50.905
So that's what I did, but he's two now, so we're much better yeah.

00:41:50.965 --> 00:41:51.327
I love that.

00:41:51.327 --> 00:41:54.471
You said I'm in love with my baby and I'm not in love with this season.

00:41:54.471 --> 00:41:57.012
That's really important for moms to remember.

00:41:57.012 --> 00:42:02.333
That that's what every, every difficult time is just a season and at some point it will change.

00:42:02.333 --> 00:42:07.393
Either it'll be a different season that you're not in love with, or it'll be a season that's just absolutely wonderful.

00:42:07.393 --> 00:42:08.730
But nothing stays the same.

00:42:08.730 --> 00:42:14.751
That's the biggest takeaway for me from motherhood is just get comfortable with change.

00:42:14.751 --> 00:42:19.255
And then you said that you had postpartum depression and anxiety.

00:42:19.255 --> 00:42:21.572
What was it that you leaned into?

00:42:21.885 --> 00:42:22.610
With my first.

00:42:22.610 --> 00:42:29.371
A lot of it, like I said, I didn't do with sleep deprivation and the physical healing I mean it takes until it being lovely.

00:42:29.371 --> 00:42:32.311
Really I was very lonely with all that.

00:42:32.311 --> 00:42:43.612
I mean I quit college early, work full time until I got pregnant and then quit working when I had my son and so most of my peers were still in school, definitely not married or having kids yet.

00:42:43.612 --> 00:42:52.215
So I'm in a whole different season of life at a young age, like stuck in this new world but don't have anyone else going through this with me.

00:42:52.215 --> 00:43:00.833
So it was very isolating feeling to be in that and it was just weird honestly, like the adjustment just while to get used to.

00:43:00.833 --> 00:43:01.815
This is my life now.

00:43:02.045 --> 00:43:05.074
But also, like you said, that doesn't mean it looked like that forever.

00:43:05.074 --> 00:43:15.172
Obviously it did change, seasons change and some of it's kind of a fog to be with you because how hard it was and because I was supposed to sleep to bed I was like a robot, like a zombie.

00:43:15.172 --> 00:43:20.614
Just every day was kind of groundhog day because I couldn't put my thoughts together, I can't remember things.

00:43:20.614 --> 00:43:22.632
This is really what I suffered with a lot of my third.

00:43:22.632 --> 00:43:26.713
I mean I forgot things left and right You'd have a conversation with me and just go right over my head.

00:43:26.713 --> 00:43:27.829
I had no idea what you just said.

00:43:27.829 --> 00:43:29.972
My brain could process what you were talking about.

00:43:29.972 --> 00:43:33.074
I felt like I was going crazy and like something's wrong with me.

00:43:33.465 --> 00:43:41.333
But even when I was, the first time I knew about post-partum depression everyone hears about it, I knew about baby blues or whatever, but I just I guess I thought that's not going to be me.

00:43:41.333 --> 00:43:44.635
Only depressed people get depressed and I'm not a depressed person.

00:43:44.635 --> 00:43:48.815
But I mean, like I said, there's really so much you can control in those kind of situations.

00:43:48.815 --> 00:44:08.255
It's very humbling experience to realize, ok, I don't actually have as much control as I thought and I'm a Christian, so I don't know, honestly, how people do it without believing in something or believing in God, because I can't go through these hard times without Him, without prayer, without being in a relationship with Him, without having worship, music and godly people in my life to be that support.

00:44:08.344 --> 00:44:12.393
I don't want to make it sound like I had no one, like everybody just ignored me and left me alone.

00:44:12.393 --> 00:44:18.956
I did, but I had older generations, so they were nice and helpful and stuff, but it would have been nice to have friends go through that.

00:44:18.956 --> 00:44:31.697
But because of all that, that's why I do what I do now, and so I empathize with those moms who are in my shoes and I do my best to make them feel validated and heard and understood, because I'm not that far from me.

00:44:31.697 --> 00:44:33.489
I'm 29, so I'm still pretty young.

00:44:33.489 --> 00:44:34.614
I'm really experienced.

00:44:34.614 --> 00:44:37.454
It doesn't mean I'm above you in any sense.

00:44:37.585 --> 00:44:42.838
We're all still humans and we also feel and have the same emotions and thoughts.

00:44:42.838 --> 00:44:51.271
So just because I may be older than someone or may not be older at all, but I have more kids than they do, doesn't necessarily mean that above them in any sense of the way.

00:44:51.271 --> 00:44:53.373
I still went through some of the things they go through.

00:44:53.744 --> 00:45:00.896
Yeah, did you receive any treatment for the postpartum depression, or were there books or anything that you found helpful?

00:45:01.304 --> 00:45:15.688
At the first time I had been on medication prior like a couple of years before I had my kids for anxiety, which was actually an anti-depressant because my anxiety had caused depression, whereas you just took the other way around with some people and I went on it.

00:45:15.869 --> 00:45:27.875
After going to counseling my anxiety got pretty severe to where I opened up and asked my mom like I need help and I'm not one to usually do that, so she knows like if I'm saying I need help, something's wrong, then something's really wrong.

00:45:27.875 --> 00:45:31.255
That's where I learned a lot in counseling how to manage my anxiety.

00:45:31.255 --> 00:45:40.494
Like I said, it's a mindset of the control issue and, as a Christian, it's like trying to control the things that supposed to be guys to control and not mine, and letting go of those things.

00:45:40.494 --> 00:45:43.014
And also it's a burden lift off your shoulders.

00:45:43.014 --> 00:45:44.824
You're not meant to control any things.

00:45:44.824 --> 00:45:45.567
You aren't God.

00:45:45.887 --> 00:45:49.255
That's a good thing, because we don't have the capacity to do it all.

00:45:49.255 --> 00:45:54.175
We're not designed to do it all, so why are we trying to do something that we're not required to do?

00:45:54.175 --> 00:45:57.074
But, yes, we aren't responsible for something.

00:45:57.074 --> 00:46:06.195
So, especially as a mom, your kids, one of them steward what you're given well and control those and let go of everything that you're not supposed to or meant to control.

00:46:06.195 --> 00:46:10.907
So having that mindset really helped me like OK, I was like I want to be off this medication, I want to be done.

00:46:10.907 --> 00:46:20.393
I think I got it on my own and I don't know that better, but I don't recommend weaning quote, unquote yourself off the medication alone, because I did that and that was not very wise.

00:46:20.393 --> 00:46:21.829
Please don't ever do that.

00:46:22.226 --> 00:46:25.911
Yeah, no, not recommended, if you want to get off a quick cold turkey.

00:46:26.192 --> 00:46:27.114
Yeah, this is what I did.

00:46:27.375 --> 00:46:27.775
Oh yikes.

00:46:28.264 --> 00:46:31.813
I talked about taking a lightweight earlier, yeah, and I didn't tell anyone while I was doing it either.

00:46:32.266 --> 00:46:32.387
Mm.

00:46:32.929 --> 00:46:33.512
It was very scary.

00:46:33.512 --> 00:46:37.255
Well, I felt the effects of the withdrawal and it was like what is going on with me?

00:46:37.255 --> 00:46:38.891
I was going to die for a second Mm.

00:46:38.891 --> 00:46:41.954
Looking at it now, where I am, I still have anxious thoughts.

00:46:41.954 --> 00:46:47.447
That's going to be part of me because I am a control freak and I have to work on that, but I am.

00:46:48.208 --> 00:46:54.231
I think, obviously, with anything, you got to be open and honest about your struggles and accepting that that's what you're dealing with.

00:46:54.231 --> 00:47:02.630
Being honest with others and yourself, but also, okay, taking the emotions out of it for a second and just looking at the facts, like this is something I struggle with.

00:47:02.630 --> 00:47:05.545
What are ways I can make it easier for myself?

00:47:05.545 --> 00:47:06.590
How can I combat it?

00:47:06.590 --> 00:47:07.347
What can I do?

00:47:07.347 --> 00:47:12.893
How can I have people support me, not just like, well, it was me, I'm broken, I'm terrible, I'm a horrible person, I'm so weak.

00:47:12.893 --> 00:47:16.065
That's not going to do you any good in your, in your growth, in your healing process.

00:47:16.184 --> 00:47:23.565
So with my third, I knew I had it pretty bad again, but just the depression part, nothing anxiety, because at this point I was like, yeah, you go watch them.

00:47:23.565 --> 00:47:24.126
I didn't care.

00:47:24.126 --> 00:47:27.833
You know, with three kids you kind of let go of some things.

00:47:27.833 --> 00:47:30.891
But I remember my midwife asking me.

00:47:30.891 --> 00:47:34.990
I could tell she wanted to like put me on something, because she could tell that I was struggling.

00:47:34.990 --> 00:47:43.574
And I was like, no, I don't want to be dependent on a medication and I'm not knocking them because I was on one before, but I don't want to ever be on one again.

00:47:43.574 --> 00:47:48.896
And I was like, no, I'm going to fight this, Even if it may take me longer or whatever.

00:47:48.896 --> 00:47:53.454
Like I don't want to put anything else into my body that I don't need in my body right now.

00:47:53.454 --> 00:47:58.128
And so, yeah, it took longer, but considering my circumstances of how everything started, like no wonder.

00:47:58.128 --> 00:48:21.458
I mean I just kind of went into a model three, like in a tornado season, and I mean it's not easy for anyone, much less someone who just went through all that physically in that season as well Like it's a very high stress situation for a long period of time, and just can never feel like I got to the surface, just like constantly paddling, paddling, paddling, but fighting against everything.

00:48:21.458 --> 00:48:24.320
So, like I said, it did end, but I it was a lot.

00:48:24.320 --> 00:48:25.831
I don't remember like when it did.

00:48:25.831 --> 00:48:33.318
I think it was just so slow and gradual process that I just had to be very patient and I'm not a patient person.

00:48:33.318 --> 00:48:37.054
So I believe it's obviously like a testing period for me and a growth period for me.

00:48:37.664 --> 00:48:40.092
Another humbling reminder that there's only so many things I can't control.

00:48:40.092 --> 00:48:41.849
And what can I control?

00:48:41.849 --> 00:48:47.693
I need to work on that and be responsible for that and do my best in those areas and then, when I can, I need to let go of us, and that's what I help moms with.

00:48:47.693 --> 00:48:51.293
Like, you can't control what other people do, including your children.

00:48:51.293 --> 00:48:53.710
You should not be controlling your children.

00:48:53.710 --> 00:48:54.969
They're human beings just like you.

00:48:55.432 --> 00:49:03.030
But you can control what you do as a mom and as a wife and, you know, as a person in society, and it's also no one's job to take care of you as well.

00:49:03.030 --> 00:49:03.512
That's yours.

00:49:03.512 --> 00:49:13.280
So even, yeah, your husband like he's my husband's to support me and love me, of course, as my husband, but it's not his job to Do things for me that I should do for myself.

00:49:13.280 --> 00:49:15.025
Then I feel like some mom's saying, be like what?

00:49:15.025 --> 00:49:23.300
But I mean that's true, because we're all adults and we all have our responsibilities and I didn't marry God right, I married another human.

00:49:23.300 --> 00:49:35.264
He's not supposed to care for me like I got supposed to care well, partners and we are friends, but we're also both imperfect people, so we hang on each other when someone's down and someone not doing as well.

00:49:35.264 --> 00:49:38.518
You know and supporting each other in those seasons, of course, what marriage is about.

00:49:38.518 --> 00:49:41.567
But I have to do my part to take care of me as well.

00:49:42.137 --> 00:49:55.655
It sounds like you really took ownership over your mental health at that point and you made sure that everything that happened after that first pregnancy was growth Mm-hmm, and I think that your mindset, it sounds like, helped you through a lot of it.

00:49:55.795 --> 00:50:09.288
Just recognizing this is a season of depression for me, I am making sure that everybody that needs to be aware of it is aware of it, and if I'm making the vow to myself and them that if it gets to be too much, then I will say something.

00:50:09.288 --> 00:50:15.688
But at this point I'm gonna try to just keep perspective and remember that this is a season.

00:50:15.688 --> 00:50:31.239
I'm feeling overwhelmed because there's just a lot right now and that's a totally normal feeling because I Can't do everything and trying to remember that a lot of the overwhelm comes from that feeling of needing to control and that you can't control everything.

00:50:31.239 --> 00:50:40.054
That sounds like you kind of just went through that, those steps in your head in order to Move through that painful time.

00:50:40.054 --> 00:50:46.849
I don't want to say overcome, because you don't hover over it, you move through it and you just let let everything flow.

00:50:47.376 --> 00:50:48.498
Yeah, I like that.

00:50:48.498 --> 00:50:50.465
That's very true yeah.

00:50:50.606 --> 00:50:57.384
I think it's easy to run away from some of those things and pretend that they're not there, but it sounds like you decided to not even take it on.

00:50:57.384 --> 00:51:00.541
You didn't battle it necessarily, you just moved through it.

00:51:00.541 --> 00:51:02.829
You let you just let it flow through it.

00:51:02.829 --> 00:51:03.934
I think that's amazing.

00:51:03.934 --> 00:51:07.105
I think that's a really good way to kind of look at things.

00:51:07.105 --> 00:51:10.563
Did you have anybody else that you?

00:51:10.563 --> 00:51:11.947
Did you have anybody that you talked to?

00:51:11.947 --> 00:51:17.275
You'd mentioned that they had a therapist at the time, or were there any books or anything special that helped you maintain that mindset?

00:51:17.275 --> 00:51:20.875
You said also listening to music and worship and that kind of stuff.

00:51:21.175 --> 00:51:24.887
Yeah, my counselor was before kids, before even pregnancy.

00:51:24.887 --> 00:51:26.954
So I was in my college years.

00:51:26.954 --> 00:51:38.085
I mean, if I could have, I definitely believed counseling like helpful for anybody and if we could have afforded at that time I probably would have done gone back the one I had seen she had retired so I just didn't trust anyone else like her.

00:51:38.085 --> 00:51:39.855
It was really sad because I really loved her.

00:51:39.855 --> 00:51:41.259
Yeah, I didn't honestly know.

00:51:41.259 --> 00:51:44.536
I didn't have any books that I read, really have to read.

00:51:44.797 --> 00:51:51.043
My therapy was kind of like my blog and my Doing what I do online and like opening up about it.

00:51:51.043 --> 00:51:56.519
Because when I was little, when I struggled with what I thought at the time as a Teenager and going through those years is depression.

00:51:56.519 --> 00:51:58.907
You know, when you're like the world hates me, everybody hates me.

00:51:58.907 --> 00:52:00.661
You know, no one loves me.

00:52:00.661 --> 00:52:01.487
That's kind of seasons.

00:52:01.487 --> 00:52:09.443
I journaled a lot so I always liked writing like my feelings out and now I kind of speak it out on social media like podcasts and stuff it's it helps to like.

00:52:09.443 --> 00:52:11.735
That's how I told my husband this the other day.

00:52:11.735 --> 00:52:18.523
I was like when I overload on you, you know, because I've been with the kids all day, not adults, and I just like spew stuff out.

00:52:18.523 --> 00:52:23.318
I was like you know those like 50 tabs that have opened in my brain, that's me closing them off.

00:52:23.318 --> 00:52:37.894
It's just therapeutic, like you don't even have to, like I do what you respond to some things, but I'm like just let me get it out, because if I just keep it all in, there's just more that keeps coming in and Nothing ever gets closed out or dealt with or read or you know.

00:52:37.894 --> 00:52:40.460
And so that's what I felt like for such a long time.

00:52:40.460 --> 00:52:46.992
There's just so much coming in and I was gonna just my car drive was kind of go down.

00:52:46.992 --> 00:52:48.277
You know how it felt.

00:52:48.277 --> 00:52:57.155
And so, because I'm being open and honest with him, because there weren't many people in my life like Person I would talk to face-to-face about it, that I felt I couldn't understand or relate.

00:52:57.155 --> 00:53:00.050
So that's why online, because there's a lot of moms online.

00:53:00.050 --> 00:53:11.168
I mean, most of my peers now have kids, now that I have three, but in those first couple years of my motherhood I still was a mom of two and still had no mom friends and my circle that were physically around me.

00:53:11.168 --> 00:53:29.302
So connecting online and like mom groups on Facebook and seeing all these mom communities and seeing like, okay, there's all these moms out there that are going through all these same things and I wanted like share what I went through so that I can even make sure they don't go the route I went or, if they're in it, here's how I went through it.

00:53:29.302 --> 00:53:35.715
Like you said, went through it like you don't necessarily like conquer Something like an anxiety, depression, for example, may not be something that completely goes away.

00:53:36.317 --> 00:53:46.894
I believe, like from someone like me, like anxieties, mindset issue to an extent that I Usually don't deal with on a day-to-day basis anymore, but it's still there.

00:53:46.894 --> 00:53:56.173
But it's also just like someone deals with greed, someone deals with lying, someone deals with their temper anxieties one that I will deal with for a while.

00:53:56.173 --> 00:54:14.717
I don't know if it's gonna be permanent or not, but it has improved because I have accepted it and I'm aware of it and I'm open about it and I don't try to hide it as like a weakness, but like yeah, I know that this is something that I struggle with and, honestly, my husband doesn't struggle with it at all, so he's been very helpful At all.

00:54:14.717 --> 00:54:26.045
He's like I don't get how you think like this, it's so stupid, but he's actually helped me snap back into reality almost in a sense, and in the beginning stages that was harsh for me to hear because I just wanted someone to kind of wallow with me.

00:54:26.045 --> 00:54:33.335
He's not wanting to do that, but he's been honestly like a huge part of my growth as well, because he's helped me a lot with my mindset.

00:54:33.335 --> 00:54:47.184
He's the one that has the most access to my brain too, so having his support has really helped me and like it's helped us become stronger as a couple because now we're on a similar mindset and a similar Path to where we can work better together as a team and as parents.

00:54:47.184 --> 00:54:51.806
We're still very different people, obviously, but I can tell now like he's almost like in my head.

00:54:52.429 --> 00:54:59.474
When I go to say something or do something, I'm like no, he's, this is what it looks like and when you do this, when you say this, it's coming from this place.

00:54:59.474 --> 00:55:02.641
Oh, yeah, okay, like I'm in.

00:55:02.641 --> 00:55:11.382
A part of this is having three kids to, like I said before, the more you have, the more lacks you get about certain things and you just realize like, okay, these things truly don't matter and you just let it go.

00:55:11.382 --> 00:55:21.367
Doesn't mean I don't want a clean house, but I would love that, but the seasons we're talking about, like the season I'm in with having a six, almost five and a two-year boys.

00:55:21.367 --> 00:55:24.875
It's just I want to do anything else besides clean my house.

00:55:24.875 --> 00:55:35.806
My house is gonna be a little bit messy and I'm okay with that because it I still prioritize time for myself and I work out and I work on my business and I play with my kids and we go out and do things.

00:55:35.806 --> 00:55:39.735
Our house looks like we lived in it and I got three little boys and that is okay.

00:55:39.894 --> 00:55:43.806
You know, that's an example, but I mean just little things, like they drop something and spill it.

00:55:43.894 --> 00:55:45.016
It's not the end of the world.

00:55:45.016 --> 00:55:58.155
Will people just blow up at the little things for kids being kids or kids being humans or Another adult being a human, you know, and it's just like Realizing you really can't control anything Except you and that is it.

00:55:58.155 --> 00:55:59.900
I mean just like I can't.

00:55:59.900 --> 00:56:06.914
Even I can't control my husband, you know, if he has a bad day or whatever it does something, or my parents or my sister or my friends, like are my in-laws.

00:56:06.914 --> 00:56:08.440
I can't control any of those people.

00:56:08.440 --> 00:56:13.192
So like just accepting that and letting it goes like all right, well, I just got me today.

00:56:13.192 --> 00:56:19.005
You know I I'm the only, I'm only responsible for me, like I'm responsible where my kids go because there's so little.

00:56:19.005 --> 00:56:23.804
But they still have a Free will and a choice to disobey or obey or to be kind or to be mean.

00:56:23.804 --> 00:56:32.878
So that's not on me their choices, but I do have a responsibility in stewarding them and guiding them and teaching them the right way and it's up to them to Do that or not.

00:56:33.262 --> 00:56:34.994
Yeah, that's amazing how you worked through that.

00:56:34.994 --> 00:56:45.268
I think that's the track that most people are on trying to get that figured out, because we all feel this responsibility and there's the lie that we tell ourselves that that we have control and the truth is that we don't.

00:56:45.268 --> 00:56:58.217
So the other question that I ask Everyone is if you could go back and talk to yourself before this whole process and I know you the first delivery you would say don't get the up and earth, don't get the medicine.

00:56:58.217 --> 00:57:00.222
What would you want to tell yourself?

00:57:00.222 --> 00:57:08.644
What message would you do you wish that you had Going back to that first pregnancy, delivery and motherhood experience?

00:57:08.965 --> 00:57:11.780
aside from those things, a couple things.

00:57:11.780 --> 00:57:14.875
The control thing for sure, yeah, I did, that's just life.

00:57:15.456 --> 00:57:18.688
Right but obviously it's really big in marriage and in motherhood.

00:57:18.688 --> 00:57:20.414
Those two are obviously big factors.

00:57:20.414 --> 00:57:24.226
But and then also the season thing it will not be this forever.

00:57:24.226 --> 00:57:27.983
Your child will sleep, you will sleep.

00:57:27.983 --> 00:57:29.547
They will not cry forever.

00:57:29.547 --> 00:57:31.521
Then we'll start talking back at you.

00:57:33.376 --> 00:57:43.679
That's my biggest tip to all moms and I guess Would apply today if I could talk to myself was to accept this season that you're in and, like I said, emphasis on season, because very she's very few things in life are permanent.

00:57:43.679 --> 00:57:50.141
I mean very few things and stop trying to control what you can't control, but figure out what can you control in that season.

00:57:50.141 --> 00:57:59.664
And I think that like empowers us and gives us like oh, I can't control these things, not in the oh no, I have all this that I have to control.

00:57:59.664 --> 00:58:02.815
Like no, it's actually like a more of empowering thing, like I have ownership of this.

00:58:02.815 --> 00:58:09.795
Let's do this kind of mentality or have a positive Direction to go versus oh, this is so overwhelming I can't do anything.

00:58:09.795 --> 00:58:11.840
Let go of the things you can't control right now.

00:58:11.840 --> 00:58:15.898
If you're in the season of newborn hood or toddler hood, those are hard years.

00:58:15.898 --> 00:58:21.954
But also stop trying to like put the season of school-age kids into the current season of a three and a one-year-old.

00:58:22.257 --> 00:58:26.500
Yeah it's not supposed to happen, it's not meant to happen, it's unrealistic.

00:58:26.500 --> 00:58:31.894
And then you're putting unrealistic Expectations on your kids, on your life, on your circumstances, that just aren't there yet.

00:58:31.894 --> 00:58:39.242
Yeah, and that, unlike where you're at now because once you're in that school kid age season, you're not going back to that one, probably ever again.

00:58:39.242 --> 00:58:40.304
If you're done with kids, you know.

00:58:40.304 --> 00:58:50.074
So you can't get your time back and like being in the moment on those things, because obviously people say they grow up so fast and you know this, this, and people like, yeah, yeah, yeah, especially when you're going through those years.

00:58:50.074 --> 00:58:51.057
You're like, don't tell me that.

00:58:51.057 --> 00:58:52.342
That's like the last thing I want to hear.

00:58:52.342 --> 00:58:57.762
It makes me angry or did like my feelings don't matter in this Moment, it's so hard, but I mean, how many of us do this?

00:58:57.762 --> 00:59:01.454
Would be like lay in bed after they go to bed and like scroll through pictures of them on our phone.

00:59:01.454 --> 00:59:06.192
I'm like, oh, my god, I was like remember when they said this when they were so little.

00:59:06.192 --> 00:59:07.260
It was like a year ago.

00:59:07.260 --> 00:59:13.181
You know A year is not that long in the grand and they're 18 years of Childhood, but it's so true.

00:59:13.181 --> 00:59:13.543
Like so.

00:59:13.563 --> 00:59:16.815
It helps me in those moments where I'm a go-getter, I want to be productive.

00:59:16.815 --> 00:59:19.925
I've always seen like, okay, I've got two seconds, like what can I do right now?

00:59:19.925 --> 00:59:25.795
And I and I have to stop myself when I'm in the moment with them, to just be in it with them sometimes.

00:59:25.795 --> 00:59:29.065
The other day we were taught my husband are looking at our two-year-old while he's eating.

00:59:29.065 --> 00:59:30.864
He's like I just love watching when he eats.

00:59:30.864 --> 00:59:33.166
It's so cute, you know, just like this.

00:59:33.166 --> 00:59:43.347
Little moments like that, I'm like I know, and if we're so busy doing all these things or trying to rush into the next season, we miss those, those times that we cannot get back, especially if you don't document it.

00:59:43.347 --> 00:59:44.532
All you have is your memory.

00:59:44.532 --> 00:59:45.675
Yeah, you know.

00:59:45.675 --> 00:59:50.922
So if your brain's not there and you didn't take a picture or video of it, then it's lost and gone forever.

00:59:50.922 --> 00:59:54.215
And I'll say that to be a good pressing but just kind of opens your eyes a bit.

00:59:54.215 --> 00:59:57.204
It's okay to be in the moment and also see the big picture at the same time.

00:59:58.076 --> 00:59:58.880
Yeah, that's good.

00:59:58.880 --> 01:00:02.282
Well, jenna, was there anything else that you wanted to share that we didn't cover?

01:00:02.282 --> 01:00:03.726
Oh, I don't know, I can't hold it.

01:00:03.726 --> 01:00:05.380
That's awesome.

01:00:05.742 --> 01:00:12.255
Well, I'm suppose a lot of it's probably on your blog, so yeah, I haven't posted in a long time, but I've shared a lot already.

01:00:12.936 --> 01:00:20.440
Yeah, well, and if anybody wants to witness your brilliance and some of the things that you've learned over the years, it's your blog is always available.

01:00:20.440 --> 01:00:22.023
Can you remind us what that website?

01:00:22.023 --> 01:00:30.304
Is purposeintendedcom purposeintendedcom and then if someone wants to work with you, they can go to that website and yes, it's the work with me option.

01:00:30.304 --> 01:00:31.168
Awesome.

01:00:31.168 --> 01:00:32.554
Well, jenna, thank you so much.

01:00:32.554 --> 01:00:41.114
That was a really insightful story of how your motherhood journey has played out and I really appreciate you sharing.

01:00:41.114 --> 01:00:42.429
Thank you for having me.