Pearls of Wisdom: What Moms Wish They Had Known

Transcript

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Pearls of Wisdom is a series of the Birth Journeys podcast where I highlight some of the most profound thoughts that each mother has shared with me.

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It is so powerful for birthing people to hear from others who have been through the metamorphosis of motherhood, and it is so important for women to have a voice in this process.

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In almost every episode of the Birth Journeys podcast, I ask my guests the following question If you could go back and talk to yourself before your fertility and pregnancy journey started, what message would you want to tell yourself?

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In this episode, I have compiled the answers that each guest has given to this question.

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Please enjoy these pearls of wisdom.

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Jennifer Burns, what would you want to go back and tell yourself?

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So this probably sounds a little obvious, since I'm a mental health therapist, but I genuinely mean it when I say get the help sooner.

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Talk to your OBs, find a perinatal mental health specialist, work through the trauma, get the support sooner rather than later.

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I know that it feels very daunting a lot of the time, and I also acknowledge that it can be very hard to find a provider who is taking clients and accepts insurance and I totally validate that and there's also free resources that are available that I can certainly share.

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But don't wait on it.

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It may get a little bit better with time, but if you're really suffering, don't wait.

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I would have done my trauma work much, much sooner and I would have suffered much less, and I may have decided to have children sooner because I really was convinced that I was done After what I was like.

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I am not doing this again.

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I don't want to run the risk again.

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It's too scary, it's too potentially risky.

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We made it out okay the first time.

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I don't think I'll be able to do it again, and so it really really impacted my life, my decisions about my family and even what my family would eventually look like.

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So it doesn't have to be this that forever.

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There are people who are trained to help and they want to help Michelle.

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if you could go back in time and talk to yourself prior to this experience, what would you tell Michelle?

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I would probably not wish for it to be over as soon.

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Don't get me wrong.

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I deeply, am so glad I didn't go to 39 weeks pregnant.

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I was not a nice pregnant human, and so I'm sure all of my family and friends were very glad that I was induced.

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But I also, because I wasn't the nicest pregnant human not so much with Sammy but with Nate I just felt that I just had to get to the finish line, like I just I had to do it.

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I just had to get there.

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I just had to have this baby in my arms.

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Now, part of it was my infertility journey.

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I was ready for this prize.

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I was ready for this safe outcome.

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I was ready for this thing that I had been fighting for and climbing these mountains for two plus years.

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But I also felt like I rushed it.

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I felt like I because I was a provider and I was rushing it.

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I didn't necessarily enjoy prenatal care.

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I didn't enjoy the ultrasound as much as maybe I should.

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I didn't like do a prenatal massage.

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I really enjoyed my baby shower, but again, it just felt like it was this thing to like cross off the bucket list, and so I kind of wished that I had mentally slowed down maybe a little bit during my first pregnancy.

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I definitely did that on my second and I I enjoyed it more a little bit.

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So I was still a cranky pregnant woman but I slowed down a little.

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I mean, like I got a massage regularly, I like saw a chiropractor and you know I obsessed over the pictures and the ultrasounds and you know I went to my prenatal visits and I asked questions even though I didn't really need to, which was a little bit nicer.

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Jenny Weil, do you have anything you'd add to that?

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I think, because I'm a labor and delivery nurse and obviously it's a job that mostly brings really joyous, beautiful moments.

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But when they're sad they're devastating.

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And I carried that anxiety with me for sure, and just kept waiting for something to go wrong.

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And it didn't really occur to me until after he was born that everything might just be okay, and most of the time it is okay, and I think I probably would have saved myself some fretting if maybe I had just reminded myself that most of the time everything is okay and if something comes up, you'll handle it.

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Then, just like you have to do with when you have a child and you think you finally have a handle on things and then they decide to wake up every hour in the middle of the night again, Emily Finnell, what would you want to go back and tell yourself?

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See, I've and I've thought about this before I feel like with the first pregnancy I would just want her to relax and trust, because I did.

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I didn't really get into it, but I definitely had some postpartum anxiety.

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I had never experienced anxiety really at all in my life until until the hormones of pregnancy and childbirth.

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I mean, honestly, it was like a night and day switch for me, because I mean, we talk about what women don't know, what you don't realize your body is going to go through.

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Those hormones are strong and new things come in that you've never felt before.

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And I was that mom that was like is he breathing?

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Is he breathing, is he breathing?

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I was just so afraid I think it was just that intensity or vulnerability of loving something so much that you're terrified something could happen.

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And I also think I had mentally prepared myself to give birth to like a six month old and instead this little alien came out that I was like is he alive?

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He's so tiny.

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So I think, going back, it's funny that I even say this, because my dad did give me this advice at the time, but I don't think I was receptive to it, but I tended to seek outside knowledge instead of trust myself.

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I had to read all of the sleep training books and the parenting books and it was like everything I read I would jump on board to different ideas like sleep training or not sleep training.

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And my father noticed this about me and he said I want you to put the books down and I want you to trust that you know how to be a mother.

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You instinctually know trust yourself.

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And, like I said, I probably wasn't as receptive as I should have been because, looking back, that would be the advice I would give to myself during the pregnancy, but specifically after the pregnancy.

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Erica Yellowitz what would you go back and tell yourself?

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Wow.

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Trust the process.

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Trust the process.

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It's different for everyone, but in the end, everything is going to be okay.

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Just keep going one foot after the other.

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If you don't feel too confident to do something by yourself, ask for help If you need a little more time to do anything, whether that is returning to work or deciding whether to continue breastfeeding Every little decision is so important.

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Just take your time and make sure that you do the best for yourself.

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Be patient with yourself.

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Be compassionate with yourself.

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Be patient with yourself.

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Just treat yourself with love.

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Don't rely on other people's expectations for your perception of other people's expectations, which is probably the most accurate thing.

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Just do everything for yourself and trust the process.

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That's so important.

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Your perception of other people's expectations my little.

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Do you have anything that you would add to that?

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Just have total faith where you're feeling led and guided and directed.

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Giving that time, muting the outside world, to truly just take some time to figure out what is best for me, for our family, for our baby, and just trusting and having faith that we were being guided and directed on that right path.

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And it just gave me so much peace, so much peace I couldn't have had on my own had I been listening to the outside.

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I would say just give yourself some time to really see what you want.

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At some point it comes down to you.

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You don't need to ask every single person what you should do, because everybody feels like they're gonna give you different guidance and directions.

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I just think, well that we shut out the outside noise.

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We truly took time for us to decide what would be best for our family.

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Amanda Stoico.

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What is the number one thing that you like to tell new moms?

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It's interesting too.

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One of my reels just went viral and it has been hilarious Some of the comments that new moms have been saying.

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So I can touch on that real quick if you want, if that's helpful, absolutely yeah, that'd be great.

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So one of the things I wish I had known after giving birth right, most of the focus is on being pregnant and then having the baby, but afterwards there was a water bottle involved which I did not understand.

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Why the nurses handed me a water bottle after I gave birth?

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I was like that's cool.

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Both my delivery so far have been vaginal.

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Both boys were large eight four and eight nine, and they were also weaker too early.

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So thank goodness they came when they did so.

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There was a lot of tearing involved for me and a lot of stitching, which I've heard about.

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Right, I've heard that thing Going to the bathroom just trying to pee.

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Afterwards is the first time you do that.

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The absolute pain and the stinging sensation that occurs is out of this world.

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And what they explained the water bottle is used to help dilute basically your urine right, so that it doesn't sting so bad.

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I didn't understand until it happened and then I was like, oh my gosh, where's my water bottle?

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My husband knew if I was headed to the bathroom he had to get the water bottle for me because otherwise I could not pee.

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It was it hurts so bad.

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So between that and then the basically the diaper package that you end up having with the underwear, and then the cooling pads and all of the other stuff that you have, like thank God for it, because that was the only way I could sit down, just like where are my pads?

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So that type of stuff, plus the.

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And then the nursing, because when you would nurse those first couple of times they latch, and then all of a sudden you get this sensation in your vagina and you're like wait, what's happening?

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Why is that?

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And it's everything just kind of coming back.

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It's the healing process.

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It's your whole body going through all of that.

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I had no idea.

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With my first thought I was like why did no one tell me it was going to be this painful?

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After having the child, I already went through delivery.

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Why is this still so painful now?

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But it really.

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And for those of you who have had C-sections, that's a whole different story, which I've been fortunate not to have to do, but that's a whole different ball game.

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But yes, the vaginal deliveries, I wish I'd take the score bottle as my advice to you.

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Take the score bottle.

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Carrie Young, what is your number one piece of advice for new moms?

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So I do want to plug pad sickles.

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If you don't know if you are pregnant and you don't know what pad sickles are, google them, because they saved my life.

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I just like I'm so thankful.

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I don't even remember who told me about them or if I just found them on the internet I can't remember.

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But it's basically a huge maxi pad and you're kind of making a popsicle with it, but you're filling it with rosewater, not with the alcohol.

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You want the rosewater that does not have alcohol in it, and lavender oil and aloe vera gel.

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You're like slathering it on.

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You're like filling the maxi pad with the rosewater.

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You're putting some lavender oil and then you're slathering it in aloe vera gel.

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You're wrapping it back up in the packaging and sticking it in your freezer.

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But if you have a bad tear, well, even just regular stitches, pad sickles are, oh my God, like I don't know what I would have done without them.

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So I have to plug that.

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Google pad sickles.

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If you don't know what it is, if you've already had your babies and you don't know what it is, tell everyone you know who's pregnant.

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I do like I will DM people, like former students of mine.

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I DM them and I'm like pad sickles.

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Here's a link.

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You need to do this.

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Oh my gosh, I just I can't say enough good things about pad schools.

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They saved me.

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Joanne Delchard.

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What do you think new moms need to know about?

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Prodromal labor.

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You essentially go into early labor but it continues for so many hours and then just stops, and there's not a ton of rhyme or reason to it, but it's very emotionally exhausting.

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So I went in and out of a dance with Prodromal labor for the next seven days and I was so worn out.

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By the end of it we had our doula over oh, I want to say two or three times where I would wake up in the middle of the night.

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And that's another hallmark sign of Prodromal labor your uterus is tired and it's worn out from holding this big, heavy baby up all day.

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And so you maybe it's a nighttime you start getting cramp in, you have these fraction X contractions, or maybe you wake up in the middle of the night and you've got this whole like did you hydrate enough?

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Is it really labor?

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How do you define labor?

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And so for me there was so much mental game that went into it Before we even officially started, knowing if you were having a baby today.

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And then there's the external social pressure of like if I've got to notify everybody.

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But then my contractions disappear after six hours and I don't know when they're coming back.

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It could be that night, it could be two days later.

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So it's really tiring and I always just tell moms like and dad's dad, the last thing mom needs from you is you doubting her that she knows her body.

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Because as women who go through pro-dromal labor, it's a huge mental battle of like am I just crazy?

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Am I dumb?

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Is this even a contraction?

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I don't know what else you'd call it.

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And then you try to advocate for yourself to your provider and you still feel kind of silly.

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You still feel like maybe I'm being a drama queen.

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I'm not trying to, but I also don't wanna like, miss something, you know, especially when we're talking 37 weeks now.

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I realize in context it's not that big of a deal when we're talking about maturity and readiness for birth from the baby side of it, but as a mom it was shocking to me.

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Amanda Stoico, was there anything else that you wanted to add?

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So I think with this time around, with my water breaking at home, that was the biggest shock for me and what I should have done is asked my OB prior, like when I had that last appointment, said, hey, what happens if my water breaks at home?

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Cause I've never had that happen and for me it was the timing, like I was seriously nervous about having her at home, cause I just had a cousin who delivered a baby in a car and it hurt third or fourth and I was like I know, I'm not doing that.

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So that was what I was so terrified of and I wish I had just kind of gone over some contingency plans, if you will, with my OB and asterite timing wise, like how much time do I have when my water breaks?

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Everybody's terrified of their water breaking and then they're having their baby either at home or on the way or they don't have anybody to drive them, like that's everybody's nightmare.

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I mean it happens and people want to be prepared for that.

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So I usually tell people pack your bag at 36 weeks If that's going to be a big stressor.

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Buy some those pads like training your puppy that have the plastic on the bottom.

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Oh my gosh, that would have been brilliant, right.

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And have them in the car, because if you're dripping, I mean, the towels are great also like towels, and the pads, the puppy pads but like, if you do deliver your baby in the car, not only is that are those great things to have, because they're plastic on the outside, they keep the baby warm and they keep the baby dry.

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You can switch them out, you can throw them away, they're easy to like clean up.

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You know, oh yeah, then you kind of have everything taken care of, because I mean, everybody I know is like what do I do if this happens?

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And sometimes it does happen, and then it's just kind of an expensive bill to clean up your car.

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Yeah, yes.

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Oh my gosh yeah.

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So pro tip if you don't have a ride or if you have to take an Uber or whatever, just have the puppy pads on hand.

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You can always give them away if you don't use them, you know.

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Yes, that's a great tip.

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Yeah, Because I mean we even use them at the hospital.

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They we call them something different, but they're basically the same thing, that's hilarious yeah.

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Ellie Goldstein what was your biggest surprise as a new mother?

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I would say my thing, maybe just to warn people if you're breastfeeding, it does not prevent your period from coming back, by the way, because I got mine, like at five weeks back and then just be aware that, like, if your period is coming back, there's a very good chance that you might get pregnant again.

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So that is just to be aware of, because afterwards I kind of felt like an idiot.

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I'm like wow, okay, like because we're like wow, shocked, how could I get pregnant again?

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I know a lot of people that had like a surprise second baby very close after their first.

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What else surprised you about breastfeeding?

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When I realized she was, you know, not only did I hate it, but she wasn't even getting nutrition from it, like she was, you know, having drier diapers and you know I'm like there's not enough milk in there.

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I was pumping at work and my supply did go down a lot, so I'm like, all right, we're gonna do formula.

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That was hard.

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I was very attached to the idea of breastfeeding and I did have to process that and something I really, really I see so many women struggling with this.

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Like you know, I have to put on formula and blah, blah, blah and, like you know, I think part of you feels like a failure or guilty, and it's like I really had to make peace with that.

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I did grieve, I had, I felt grief, like sad because it wasn't the way I wanted it to be, but at the same time I'm like, well, hey, I have a super healthy baby, I have the means to afford formula, which is amazing.

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Thank God, I don't have to pump anymore, which is awesome, and she's getting fed Like she's doing.

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Well.

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So for me, that did help me come to peace and it's something I wish that maybe someone had told me like hey, or had heard on a podcast or somewhere that like, hey, if things don't go as expected, you don't have to beat yourself up, you can grieve it, you can feel the sadness but like, at the end of the day, it's really true that fed is best and my baby was happy.

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Michelle Powers.

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What do you wish you had known about formula feeding?

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I really wish that someone had said to me Michelle, nobody talks about formula feeding.

00:18:51.487 --> 00:18:58.786
I was so open from the get go with my providers, with my colleagues, with my village, that I was formula feeding.

00:18:58.786 --> 00:19:01.970
I had decided before 20 weeks that I wasn't doing it.

00:19:01.970 --> 00:19:07.827
Between my PCOS and what I thought I was going to need, mental health wise, I just couldn't do it.

00:19:07.827 --> 00:19:13.286
I needed to be able to allow my village to care for my son in times of feeding as well.

00:19:13.286 --> 00:19:18.707
But I wish someone had said to me like they're not going to know how to teach you, they are so focused on breastfeeding.

00:19:19.300 --> 00:19:27.068
We got home from the hospital at you know whatever, 48, 49 hours post delivery, and no one had told us to increase the amount we were giving him.

00:19:27.068 --> 00:19:32.065
We were still giving him less than a fluid ounce, because that's what they told us to give him, so that's what we were giving him.

00:19:32.065 --> 00:19:41.568
And so he was screaming every 20 to 30 minutes because he should have been at two to three of his every feed at that point.

00:19:41.568 --> 00:19:44.087
But I wish someone had said to me do some research.

00:19:44.087 --> 00:19:45.665
Because also, I didn't, none.

00:19:46.039 --> 00:20:13.827
I just assumed that I would get some sort of sheet or something that said like hey, this is what you increase, right, because if you ask somebody in breastfeeding, like, of course, you increase it by five to 10 minutes every side, every feed, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, right, and they have all these instructions and you're like, ok, and now with formula, and they have like nothing, you know, and in your discharge paperwork that they like give to every patient that is sponsored by the hospital, it's a four sense blurb and there's eight pages on breastfeeding.

00:20:13.827 --> 00:20:14.964
And you're like, I know nothing.

00:20:14.964 --> 00:20:33.508
And so I wish there had been more advocation or empowerment from my village or from myself to say just Google it, right, whether it's Mayo Clinic, whether, heck, you go to similaccom because there's a whole website about how to formula feed and how to pick which formula and how much they should be eating and how to store it.

00:20:33.508 --> 00:20:40.569
And I mean I had to do so much research in the first 48 hours being home that I swear I could write a dissertation now.

00:20:40.951 --> 00:20:48.282
Yeah, and I think that that's one of the most common causes of postpartum depression is not knowing how to feed your baby, whether it's formula or breastfeeding, because it's hard.

00:20:48.282 --> 00:20:55.353
Dr Spate, as a mom and an anesthesiologist, what do you think all new moms should know?

00:20:55.744 --> 00:21:01.451
I feel strongly that we under treat postpartum pain in a lot of places in America.

00:21:01.451 --> 00:21:09.115
I think that this is one of the only surgeries I mean, especially after a C-section One of the only surgeries where we actually perform surgery.

00:21:09.115 --> 00:21:18.333
We open a woman's abdomen, remove a baby, repair an organ, sew her back together and we're like here's Tylenol, you should be fine.

00:21:18.333 --> 00:21:26.970
I tell patients, in the first 24 to 72 hours you may need more than a motrin and a Tylenol and that is okay.

00:21:26.970 --> 00:21:29.413
If you need to take a pain pill, take a pain pill.

00:21:29.625 --> 00:21:37.414
I had two C-sections myself and I'm very much like a tough, without type of person, but when I was home I needed to take my oxy.

00:21:37.414 --> 00:21:46.330
I took probably about a total of maybe four pills over the course of that first week, but every time I needed to pop that pill it made a big difference for me.

00:21:46.330 --> 00:21:51.892
It was kind of miserable and suffering through it, until I took a pain pill and realized I had been miserable and suffering through it.

00:21:51.892 --> 00:21:52.990
I don't think it's necessary.

00:21:52.990 --> 00:21:56.369
I think we should encourage women the better you feel, the better you can take care of your baby.

00:21:56.369 --> 00:21:57.333
Yeah for sure.

00:21:57.333 --> 00:21:59.992
You absolutely should not need opiates after the first week.

00:21:59.992 --> 00:22:02.211
Should not need opiates after a week.

00:22:02.211 --> 00:22:09.090
So if it's day seven and you're still taking oxy or percocet, you need to tell your obstetrician because something is probably wrong.

00:22:09.090 --> 00:22:17.252
But on day three or four, if you need something, especially after a C-section, don't feel bad about that and take what you need.

00:22:18.125 --> 00:22:18.748
Anna Gates.

00:22:18.748 --> 00:22:21.751
What do you wish that you had known before giving birth?

00:22:22.265 --> 00:22:28.010
I think going into it I had so much confidence that I was gonna have a vaginal birth.

00:22:28.010 --> 00:22:30.634
I always knew that a C-section could be a possibility.

00:22:30.634 --> 00:22:38.588
But I've always been told oh, you have textbooks, reproductive system, you've got great hips for this, oh, you're not gonna have any trouble at all, birth canal is wonderful.

00:22:38.588 --> 00:22:39.613
You hear all these things.

00:22:39.613 --> 00:22:44.090
So I'm just like I'm not gonna be a woman who's gonna have that difficulty.

00:22:44.090 --> 00:22:45.991
I always thought this is just a given.

00:22:45.991 --> 00:22:50.332
And then my sisters nobody had a C-section in my family.

00:22:50.404 --> 00:23:02.036
So I was feeling like even genetically I'm set up for this and maybe it was hubris that I did not spend as much time just preparing and so I felt kind of at a loss for questions to ask.

00:23:02.036 --> 00:23:08.551
So I felt like I spent more time preparing for the traditional vaginal birth and not as much for the C-section.

00:23:08.551 --> 00:23:11.112
So I felt like I was playing catch-up.

00:23:11.112 --> 00:23:24.075
So I think that's one thing I wish I would have just prepared for both options and a little bit more, just to ask more questions about the possibility of what could happen when you induce and what are some outcomes.

00:23:24.075 --> 00:23:26.669
I didn't even know that baby's getting stressed after contractions.

00:23:26.669 --> 00:23:36.074
Obviously there's like a million things that can go wrong, but I wish I would have known of this happens, then this is a possibility, or C-section is a possibility.

00:23:36.074 --> 00:23:37.851
So I felt underprepared.

00:23:38.365 --> 00:23:42.490
Devon Garcia what would have been helpful for you to know going into birth.

00:23:42.625 --> 00:23:44.170
It's great to have a birth plan.

00:23:44.170 --> 00:24:01.316
But also I did keep an open mind but try to have an even more open mind so you don't get annoyed at other stuff that's going on, because, on top of everything, you don't need to be feeling annoyed and that having an epidural is a tool.

00:24:01.316 --> 00:24:03.913
But my midwife said that to me.

00:24:03.913 --> 00:24:09.814
She's like it's not a failure, it's not an easy way out, it's just a tool to help get the baby in your arms.

00:24:09.814 --> 00:24:21.534
So I would definitely keep that in mind going forward because, like I said, I wanted to try unmedicated and then, because I couldn't, I felt like a little bit of me felt like a failure.

00:24:21.534 --> 00:24:23.872
But it wasn't like we were talking about it.

00:24:23.872 --> 00:24:30.336
It was so tense stuff like who knows what would have happened if I was stubborn and just tense the whole time.

00:24:30.336 --> 00:24:31.950
I pushed for only 15 minutes.

00:24:31.950 --> 00:24:37.269
That was great and maybe that would have been two hours if I was really tense.

00:24:38.025 --> 00:24:51.530
Well, also and I think people forget that labor isn't just that period of time where you get your epidural and you push you went from nine o'clock in the morning to about eight o'clock at night before you got your epidural.

00:24:52.565 --> 00:24:55.534
Yeah, that's a really long time to not have an epidural.

00:24:55.534 --> 00:25:04.217
You did a lot of the hard work then and you prepared also physically by doing the yoga poses to get the baby in the right position.

00:25:04.217 --> 00:25:07.788
So you really did a lot of work before you got your epidural.

00:25:07.788 --> 00:25:12.349
The epidural, like you said, was a tool that got you over that one little hump.

00:25:12.490 --> 00:25:15.989
Yeah, and I know a lot of people want to try without.

00:25:15.989 --> 00:25:18.425
And if you can do it, that is amazing.

00:25:18.425 --> 00:25:20.029
You're a warrior, you're great.

00:25:20.029 --> 00:25:29.426
But if you can't, definitely don't feel like a failure, because if your baby is in your arms, that's really all that matters.

00:25:29.646 --> 00:25:31.502
Yeah, we want healthy moms and healthy babies.

00:25:31.502 --> 00:25:34.020
Yes, my little little, do you?

00:25:34.040 --> 00:25:34.964
have anything to add to that.

00:25:34.964 --> 00:25:39.711
I think I would have gone back to the very beginning, when I really didn't know a whole lot.

00:25:39.711 --> 00:25:49.210
I put so much faith and trust just in my doctor that I didn't truly have any ideas Like, if something doesn't go quite right, what is a pen?

00:25:49.210 --> 00:25:52.710
And I feel like maybe that was a conversation that maybe a doctor needs to be having that.

00:25:52.710 --> 00:25:55.005
Okay, what do we want at this and what do we want at this?

00:25:55.005 --> 00:26:00.520
And so I wish I would have just had somebody say like make sure that you know what you're wanting.

00:26:00.520 --> 00:26:04.310
If the epidural is not working or if XYZ happened, what are you going to do?

00:26:04.310 --> 00:26:13.707
I wish I just was a little bit prepared for a plan B, because I felt like I only had plan A and there's some regrets that I have, but again, I used it to learn for the next ones.

00:26:13.707 --> 00:26:14.107
Yeah.

00:26:14.900 --> 00:26:18.691
I really want to help people try to learn how to find a provider that they align with.

00:26:18.691 --> 00:26:25.204
What were some of the biggest realizations that you had and that made it easier for you to find that provider?

00:26:25.204 --> 00:26:26.884
What were the boxes that you were looking to?

00:26:26.904 --> 00:26:27.105
check.

00:26:27.105 --> 00:26:36.952
I think just like how much time that they spent with me there in our appointments was huge, of course, even just getting the referrals from people.

00:26:36.952 --> 00:26:44.183
When I had several people refer somebody, that kind of gave me my list of people I wanted to reach out to for an actual doctor, an ampere midwife, and then I would.

00:26:44.183 --> 00:26:47.352
Then I contacted them and sat down and just had conversations.

00:26:47.352 --> 00:26:53.404
So, for example, with my second one, is she going to be okay with me having a caesarean if this epidural doesn't work?

00:26:53.404 --> 00:26:55.405
Because if she wasn't, I'm like I can't do it.

00:26:55.405 --> 00:27:00.405
That's how much fear I had attached and she tried to reassure me that we would be okay.

00:27:00.506 --> 00:27:02.731
But yes, if that was the case, she would honor my wishes.

00:27:02.731 --> 00:27:20.309
And so I think just really getting down to it is just are they going to honor what you're wanting, the experience that you, if you're wanting the lights off during your birth, you know, if you're wanting to get up and be able to move around, if you don't want the betosa like go over, and if you don't even maybe even just looking like, what are the questions I need to ask?

00:27:20.309 --> 00:27:23.073
Those are all things I didn't even think about with my first truly.

00:27:23.073 --> 00:27:26.506
But you watch movies and it's like, oh, they go up, they go up.

00:27:27.008 --> 00:27:35.681
They're done, yeah, yeah, I think a lot of it too is if these interventions become something that we are putting on the table.

00:27:35.681 --> 00:27:43.449
Helping you understand what the benefits might be and not just making it like this is what we're going to do.

00:27:43.449 --> 00:27:53.147
I'm the doctor and this is what I'm going to do, because there's tools there that are wonderful when needed, but if they're not absolutely necessary, it should be a choice.

00:27:53.147 --> 00:28:04.147
It's always going to be a choice in a conversation, but to try to understand why the provider thinks that it's necessary is important, and not just treating you like someone that doesn't have choices.

00:28:04.147 --> 00:28:05.881
Absolutely, megan McCutcheon.

00:28:05.881 --> 00:28:08.990
What message would you go back and tell yourself if you could?

00:28:09.339 --> 00:28:10.281
In the work I do now.

00:28:10.281 --> 00:28:15.732
I have connected with and met so many incredible people who do all the things.

00:28:15.732 --> 00:28:19.809
I have a business partner who is a pelvic floor physical therapist.

00:28:19.809 --> 00:28:30.087
I've met lactation consultants, doulas, midwives, nurses, obgyns, just like the whole span of providers, and I sort of wish I knew that network back then.

00:28:30.087 --> 00:28:36.589
I'm pretty sure we're done with having children, but there's a part of me that really grieves that and really would love to.

00:28:36.651 --> 00:28:39.729
As much as I hated pregnancy, I hated being pregnant.

00:28:39.729 --> 00:28:50.492
I kind of like would love to do it again now with just all the information, of all the resources and tools that I know now, because I just think I might have approached it a little bit more informed.

00:28:50.492 --> 00:28:54.971
I feel like there's so many other options out there that I didn't really know about.

00:28:54.971 --> 00:29:01.009
I know some people who help with home births and I don't know, looking back, if I would choose that.

00:29:01.009 --> 00:29:10.425
I mean I had great hospital experiences but I kind of wish I had the option or the knowledge of just all the things you can consider and all the different providers out there that can be a part of that journey.

00:29:10.425 --> 00:29:24.971
We have a website now it's perinatalplacecom where we have just started collecting all the different people that we're networking with to put it up there so that moms can see all the different resources and just know that they're out there if you need it.

00:29:25.099 --> 00:29:30.593
I did at one point utilize the services at my pediatrician of the lactation consultant.

00:29:30.593 --> 00:29:45.448
She was wonderful and so reassuring and so helpful, but I think, just for a lot of moms as the need and the stressor arises, that's when they're getting the help, and I would love to go back and just know about these things beforehand, because I did.

00:29:45.448 --> 00:29:52.652
I spent a lot of time googling at 2 am while I'm nursing what is a proper latch or is this rash normal?

00:29:52.652 --> 00:30:02.886
And so I wish I would have known about all the amazing experts that there are out there that you can connect with, that just to kind of have them on your radar, even if you don't need to use them.

00:30:02.886 --> 00:30:06.565
I think it's so helpful to just know there's all kinds of awesome perinatal people there.

00:30:07.047 --> 00:30:08.561
Yeah, I just love that.

00:30:08.561 --> 00:30:30.788
I feel like we have the same passion that comes from the same place, where we wish we could go back to our previous selves and give them the information that we're missing, and so I love that we're just really trying to build that village for other moms, but at the same time, it'd be really nice to go back and try that experience now that we have more information.

00:30:31.520 --> 00:30:32.726
Yeah, even just.

00:30:32.726 --> 00:30:43.727
I've learned so much from my pelvic floor friend, katie, because even just about breathing techniques and I've always taught deep breathing, quick overview is the belly breathing I've always taught in therapy.

00:30:43.727 --> 00:30:57.424
But one thing I've really learned from her is this idea of breathing 360 degrees around into your whole lungs, your back, not just your belly, and that's a tool we teach moms now for prepping for birth and I wish I had that.

00:30:57.424 --> 00:31:05.720
I would love to go back and just relive my birthing experience and just see what would be different with all the knowledge I have now In.

00:31:05.740 --> 00:31:09.069
Kastanian, what message would you go back and tell yourself?

00:31:09.539 --> 00:31:24.445
I think the biggest thing for me is to expect that not everything is going to go according to your birth plan and to be ready for whatever is going to come in your mindset, but not to fear it.

00:31:24.686 --> 00:31:36.752
Also Because that has been one thing that I've been super mindful of, especially when I've been around other women who are pregnant, is not to share my story too much to scare them.

00:31:36.752 --> 00:31:52.888
But then also, I think if I would have gone into my first pregnancy with a little fluidity, like knowing that this might not go the way that I want, the trauma would be a little bit lessened, even though it was still no matter what.

00:31:52.888 --> 00:31:56.066
It would be trauma because it was a really difficult thing.

00:31:56.066 --> 00:32:03.210
I feel like I would have just come out of it differently and I think maybe the bonding with my son when he was a baby would have been different.

00:32:03.210 --> 00:32:26.926
But I also believe that I have a different relationship with both Eli and CeCe because of their births, and just the gratitude that I have for life, for doctors, for men-wise, for my doula, is so different than if I wouldn't have had those experiences and so our relationships are different.

00:32:27.240 --> 00:32:34.044
Yeah, it's almost like we need to have a mindset training program for mothers before they go through this process.

00:32:36.742 --> 00:32:48.089
Because they teach you all of how to breathe, what positions to get in, how to make labor less intense, that sort of mindset, but they don't really talk to you much.

00:32:48.089 --> 00:33:03.607
I remember learning a little bit about different complications that could happen in birthing classes, but it was not nearly to the extent of what it probably could have been as far as the mindset piece if this were to happen.

00:33:04.759 --> 00:33:14.409
I think right now the culture is kind of we're preparing mothers and then the thoughts are that we do this birth plan in order to stay in control.

00:33:14.409 --> 00:33:17.508
But the trick is we're not in control.

00:33:17.508 --> 00:33:25.162
It took me seven years as a labor and delivery nurse to kind of really wrap my head around the fact that we're not in control.

00:33:25.162 --> 00:33:35.034
So until we kind of flip that switch in our head, it's going to be something where we have to finally learn to let go and accept everything and just go with the flow.

00:33:35.034 --> 00:33:36.756
That's parent hood in a nutshell.

00:33:38.020 --> 00:33:47.273
Here and I will say that, like I think that that is one thing that made my third pregnancy and birth so much different.

00:33:47.273 --> 00:33:55.465
I could have gone into that really angry that I had to have a C section, but I was just like I've had these experiences, this is what's best for me.

00:33:55.465 --> 00:34:02.715
But if I would have felt that way from day one with the first birth, maybe my mindset would have been a little different.

00:34:03.759 --> 00:34:11.248
Yeah, and the medical interventions are there to make sure that we just give the best situation to everybody.

00:34:11.248 --> 00:34:13.913
I mean, it doesn't mean that your body could have done it.

00:34:13.913 --> 00:34:18.958
It just means we've assessed the risks and we have all sat down and decided.

00:34:18.958 --> 00:34:20.179
You know, it's not worth it.

00:34:21.262 --> 00:34:24.010
Yeah, I just thought of one more piece of advice.

00:34:24.010 --> 00:34:25.092
Go for it.

00:34:25.092 --> 00:34:32.907
I didn't really speak to this, but on my first birth there was someone at my birth who I was uncomfortable with.

00:34:32.907 --> 00:34:50.628
She was a nurse midwife, so she was kind of in training and I had had her in an appointment a couple weeks prior and I was uncomfortable with her there and I was uncomfortable with her being at my birth, Like I just didn't want her there.

00:34:50.867 --> 00:34:51.929
But I didn't speak up.

00:34:51.929 --> 00:35:03.260
So like in my gut I knew this woman wasn't comfortable with her and part of me feels like if I would have spoke up before I even went into labor and said like, hey, I'm not real comfortable with her.

00:35:03.260 --> 00:35:24.900
I feel like sometimes our bodies clinch up and can't do what they're supposed to do if they're protecting us from something else, and sometimes I feel like, oh, maybe, maybe that would have been something for me to feel empowered enough to say, hey, like I love this midwife, but this nurse I'd rather have someone else there because she makes me uncomfortable.

00:35:24.900 --> 00:35:36.653
So I guess my advice is to, if you feel a certain way, to advocate for yourself and really just follow your gut instincts.

00:35:36.653 --> 00:35:39.277
If something feels off, it probably is.

00:35:40.081 --> 00:35:47.039
Yeah, and I'm sure you just felt like you didn't want to say anything because you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings Exactly.

00:35:47.400 --> 00:35:51.943
But there's ways to say that without making it about them.

00:35:51.943 --> 00:36:02.574
Somebody that has those same thoughts or feelings, that is wondering how to go about communicating that, can you just say you know, this isn't about this person.

00:36:02.574 --> 00:36:10.289
This is about my feelings that I and I own that, and I'm sure this is a wonderful person to work with, but for some reason it's just not comfortable for me.

00:36:10.289 --> 00:36:13.454
Please don't, please don't get this person in trouble.

00:36:13.454 --> 00:36:20.954
Please don't make this about her, but I would just prefer to have my birth look this way as opposed to this other way.

00:36:20.954 --> 00:36:22.885
Yeah, yeah.

00:36:23.079 --> 00:36:25.572
But as women we don't always feel comfortable saying those things.

00:36:25.693 --> 00:36:26.760
No, trying to make everyone happy.

00:36:26.760 --> 00:36:32.012
Especially when you're so new at the whole motherhood birth thing, it's hard.

00:36:32.880 --> 00:36:39.954
Charlie Marshall, if you could go back and talk to yourself before you had your babies, before you became a doula, what would you tell yourself?

00:36:40.139 --> 00:36:41.483
Sleep the night before.

00:36:41.483 --> 00:36:52.112
Don't be up anxious, just get some rest, because until you go home from the hospital, that's going to be the last time you sleep.

00:36:52.219 --> 00:36:52.581
What do you mean?

00:36:52.581 --> 00:36:54.949
Until you go home to the hospital, you're not going to sleep when you get home.

00:36:55.139 --> 00:37:12.789
I mean, at least when you get home, there's depending on what your family is there's a mother, a mother-in-law there ready to receive the baby and take over so you can take a shower, take a nap, or you know a husband who's just ready to, a partner or whoever which is ready to maybe have their own time with the baby.

00:37:12.789 --> 00:37:14.563
Yeah, I just foresee.

00:37:14.563 --> 00:37:22.090
Depending on everyone's situation, at least for my own, take a nap the day before it, because until you come home from the hospital, you are not going to sleep.

00:37:22.090 --> 00:37:34.672
The pediatrician is going to come in, your nurse is going to come in, your doctor is going to come in, the baby is going to come out, and then the hearing test and the lactation specialist, and then the fundal checks.

00:37:34.672 --> 00:37:36.184
You're not going to sleep.

00:37:36.184 --> 00:37:36.706
It's a lot.

00:37:36.706 --> 00:37:37.809
Get some rest.

00:37:37.809 --> 00:37:40.907
Yeah, and just, yeah, just go with it.

00:37:40.907 --> 00:37:42.269
Don't stress it, definitely.

00:37:42.931 --> 00:37:44.264
Yeah, Kia Ketron.

00:37:44.264 --> 00:37:46.329
What would you want to go back and tell yourself?

00:37:46.681 --> 00:37:49.148
I would say, like, don't be hard on yourself.

00:37:49.148 --> 00:38:01.713
I feel like I was like setting these expectations, Even though I kept saying, just go with the flow, or I feel like I still, in the back of my mind, had these expectations of I said I was going to do it unmedicated and at the birth center.

00:38:01.713 --> 00:38:02.815
That's what has to happen.

00:38:02.815 --> 00:38:14.675
So I'm over here trying to like build myself up to that with doing different exercises, not saying that doing the exercises or anything are wrong, but I feel like it didn't go as planned and that's okay.

00:38:14.675 --> 00:38:18.929
Yeah, just allow your body to do what it's going to do.

00:38:18.929 --> 00:38:20.967
You're going to do it.

00:38:20.967 --> 00:38:22.385
I feel like it's just hard.

00:38:22.385 --> 00:38:43.528
You have this picture in your head of how it's going to go, even with Dominique and with Knox, I feel like I pictured it two different ways and, like with Knox, I feel like at first I was kind of upset that I said go to the hospital, when I had always envisioned this birth center birth, it doesn't really, that doesn't matter.

00:38:44.043 --> 00:39:05.911
No, I still was able to birth my baby and he is fine, and I went with my gut of going to the hospital and and that's how I felt in a moment and it's okay, right, yeah, and mom instinct is really important, right, tiari Smith, what would you go back and tell yourself or what would you want new moms to know?

00:39:06.199 --> 00:39:07.643
Well, I think I didn't.

00:39:07.643 --> 00:39:09.048
I know I didn't mention this.

00:39:09.048 --> 00:39:21.815
There was one day, at 24 weeks, basically to the day, when I had that same exact pain and it only lasted a day and then it went away.

00:39:21.815 --> 00:39:26.911
It was when we were shopping for recliners or rockers for the nursery.

00:39:26.911 --> 00:39:30.590
And I remember it very distinctly because it's funny.

00:39:30.780 --> 00:39:36.873
I had heard the term malaise and I always thought it was such a funny word and I never understood it.

00:39:36.873 --> 00:39:45.206
But then the way I felt, I was like I think this is malaise, because it just something is rule, and it went away.

00:39:45.206 --> 00:39:46.900
So I shrugged it off.

00:39:46.900 --> 00:39:58.235
So then that, in conjunction with my mother telling me that she had all sorts of indigestion, I kind of just had attributed to oh, I must have had indigestion that day.

00:39:58.235 --> 00:40:08.695
And now it's just, you know, becoming a thing because I'm bigger and I'm going into my third trimester and everybody has enhanced symptoms.

00:40:08.695 --> 00:40:10.266
So it is hard.

00:40:10.266 --> 00:40:13.690
I don't know what I would want to know or do differently.

00:40:13.690 --> 00:40:15.644

Pearls of Wisdom: What Moms Wish They Had Known

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