Transcript
WEBVTT
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Hello, today I have with me Tara Acardo.
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Tara is a wife and a new first-time mom to her daughter, audrey, who was born five weeks early via emergency C-section in January 2024.
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While she also works in marketing in the wine industry, her true passion and purpose in life is being a grief and transformational life coach.
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She loves to support and guide those grieving or enduring difficult hardships to discover fulfilling, beautiful, meaningful life after loss or painful life experience.
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She is also the host of the Life with Grief podcast, which is available everywhere you get your podcasts, tara.
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Welcome and thank you for joining me.
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Thank you so much, Kelly.
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I'm so happy to be here and I just appreciate this platform to share my story.
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I haven't really shared it out into the world yet.
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Wow, well, I hope that it's a healing journey for you and I'm sure that it will help a lot of moms that want to learn about the birth process or maybe can relate to your experience.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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Yeah, and we have just the elephant in the room or the infant in the room.
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We have a little Audrey joining us, because nap time didn't work out.
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So we are lucky to have a third person, yeah.
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So tell me, how was your pregnancy, how was all of those things leading up to the big moment?
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So, honestly, my pregnancy and I don't say this to be like braggy at all, but like I had a really good pregnancy I had a little morning sickness in the very early weeks, like week five to nine headaches, a little bit of nausea and you know some, some aversions, but really it went away fairly quickly.
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Otherwise, you know, I definitely had some back pains and stuff later on in the pregnancy.
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You know a lot of the typical things but generally speaking, I will say I feel I got pretty lucky.
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That being said, I was due February 19th of 2024.
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So, as you mentioned, my daughter came five weeks early.
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Given this was my first child, we had no reason to think anything was wrong or that there would be anything to look out for all that stuff.
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And I will say she was pretty consistent as far as like moving goes.
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She's pretty consistent on like what times of day she would be active and things like that.
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A lot of the time it was after food, as a lot of babies are.
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And there came to be a week and it's funny I even like think back on it now and I'm like kind of wondering when I really started noticing a lack of movement.
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But I definitely remember really noticing it and to the point where I was saying it out loud to my husband and even to my in-laws at one point, that I was like this is interesting, I'm not sort of like feeling her move as much as I usually do.
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And it's such a trip because a lot of moms out there might know, like, as they get bigger and as you're into the third trimester, yes, you agree, huh, they get bigger, they start losing space in there.
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They move less, right.
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So when I was experiencing this, I was kind of like, okay, well, I don't know if I should just chalk it up to that or kind of what's going on, but I will say this whole experience has been such a lesson in mother's intuition.
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That is truly, truly a thing, whether it's mother's intuition or not just listening to your gut when something is not right.
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And so I think probably two to three days before we ended up having to do the emergency C-section spoiler alert I felt her moving significantly less, not even just like rolling, no kicks, really nothing.
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And I remember saying like out loud the night before we had to go to get it checked out.
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I was like this is really where something feels really off and my husband, bless his heart, was like I'm sure it's fine, I'm sure she's just, you know, losing space in there, all that typical stuff.
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And I just remember thinking to myself like no, this is just.
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I know my baby, this is not, this is not right.
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So Saturday, january 13th, rolls around and I was.
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I was pretty stressed out about and I'm not a person that gets stressed pretty easily.
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So when I was like stressed out and you know, I knew something was really off.
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So that morning I was up at like 5am.
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I remember trying to do all the things to get her to move or to do the kick counts, you know, and to see what I could feel Tried eating something, and just nothing, really Very, very minimal movement of anything.
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So called the doctor.
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They were like you know, if you, if you want to come in, you're welcome to.
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And I was like, awesome, thanks, going to go ahead and do that.
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So my husband and I go to the hospital I'm in triage and they just start doing some tests hook me up to an IV, do a sonogram on her, try and get her heart rate and all of that.
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And she was alive.
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She did have a heartbeat.
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But very long story short, it got to the point between the sonogram and then the blood pressure test they were doing especially when I was on my right side, you know the side where your heart is not.
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They were like everything's like going down very quickly.
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So they like leave the room for a second, they're all they joked.
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Later they were like, because it was a Saturday, so there was no planned C-sections or anything that day, they were like literally the whole nursing team was was watching you know, these monitors for your baby, because we were all so interested of like what was happening.
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And so the nurse comes back in and she was like okay, so I don't want to scare you guys and I don't want to like speak too soon, but it's looking like baby girl's telling us she needs to come out today.
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And we were obviously not prepared.
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We thought we had five more weeks at least, you know, or maybe slightly less than that, if she had decided to come early, but didn't think it'd be this early.
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So we're looking at each other like, okay, you know, car seat is still in storage, like, or like logistically, like okay, what's happening?
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But also, you know we we kind of figured if things are are dire in any way, which if you're getting an emergency c-section, you're you're not going to go home that night.
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So we're like, okay, we'll figure out the logistics.
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And I think just immediately my initial thought was like, whatever you have to do, I don't care how early she's coming right now, just get her out.
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You know what I mean.
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Do what you have to do to save her.
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So they take us into this other room.
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Gave me a shot to try and open her lungs.
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Not sure how that works, but it was like a shot where they were going to give me like one and then the second half.
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24 hours later they gave me that shot and I think maybe 25 minutes later they were like nope, we're going in right now because it just it continued to get worse.
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So, yeah, started prepping me for the C-section and everything.
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I will say.
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The C-section itself not to romanticize it, but like it went well.
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It really was not.
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It certainly was not how I envisioned giving birth.
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I really was careful throughout my whole pregnancy.
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You know, have a birth plan but not get too married to it, because I don't know what could happen and I hear things like this happening all the time.
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So I was very kind of go with the flow in that regard, but certainly could not have prepared for this, obviously.
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But yeah, I mean that that procedure in general went well.
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They, they got her out.
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She was breached and transverse, so her head was like up near my right boo, basically.
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So getting her, you know, turned around in that whole process was a whole thing.
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But they brought her out and I remember thinking something was probably really not right, because they had said to me like, yeah, if she's looking okay and we we can give you a second with her, we'll, we'll bring her above the curtain and you can, you can hold her, you can say hi to her or whatever.
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And they didn't do that.
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They took her straight to I couldn't even see what it was, I guess like an incubator of some sort, like in that room, and they were working on her and she was alive, but we didn't hear a cry for several minutes.
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We finally did.
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It was like the sweetest little cry I've ever heard in my life.
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So she was alive but she was not well at all.
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So they kind of gave us an update on that and they were like we're going to take her to the NICU and start working on her.
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Dad, if you want to come with us, because my husband was up at the top with me, so they were starting to stitch me up and everything and I was like, please go, I want at least one of us with her and I can't be.
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So please go, go with the baby.
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So they get me all all figured out into a recovery room.
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A little while later my husband comes in.
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He is like white as a ghost, not really saying anything, and I was like what's going on?
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And I had to recover in this room for like two hours.
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It was the most gray, miserable room, like it was.
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Probably one of the most traumatizing parts of this whole day was this, and this is when we found out kind of how bad things were.
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So she ended up needing well, three blood transfusions.
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So she got two at that hospital but they were just sort of the I'm going to say like the more my way of this is not official the normal blood transfusions, I would say.
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And then we're in California, we're Northern California, so, for those who may or may not be familiar, there is a really highly regarded children's hospital, thankfully not super far from us in Oakland, ucsf Benioff, and they were like we are going to be transferring her there tonight to get a third transfusion because she needs one with like plasma and other blood matter.
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Um, so I was like, okay, um, so she thinks that's funny.
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Yeah there's a lot.
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So basically, come to find out what sort of happened and what needed the transfusions and I actually don't even still, to this day, sort of understand how this percentage works out but 120 of her fetal blood leaked into my blood system and it's really surreal still because we literally we had some of like that.
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We're very fortunate in that we had some of the best doctors looking at her at all three of these NICUs that she was in.
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Not one of them.
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They sent the placenta out for testing when she was born.
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There was no trauma to the placenta, nothing that would have indicated as to what caused this when it happened, why it happened.
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It just happened when it happened.
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Why it happened, it just happened.
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So we still don't know what caused that.
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It was like just some freak thing and they were like this is pretty rare.
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We've kind of never seen this without some obvious again like trauma to the placenta that would have caused this.
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They think it was like kind of a slow leak in some way, but they have no idea when it started happening or anything like that.
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But essentially that she was highly, highly anemic when she came out, like she was stark white because she had basically no blood.
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So so, yeah, so that's what caused all the transfusions to be needed.
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And really, on top of that, the scariest part was the fact that she had lack of oxygen to her brain and various organs for an unknown amount of time.
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The scariest part was the fact that she had lack of oxygen to her brain and various organs for an unknown amount of time, really.
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So that was really the.
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You know, the first like week or two, of course was like making sure she was recovering, making sure that the transfusions took okay and all of that, but also just monitoring for any side effects, if you will, of this lack of oxygen.
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And even now we're having a ton of follow-ups just to make sure she's progressing well and that there's not, like, any obvious things that came from that lack of oxygen.
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And thank God I'm knocking on wood Every follow-up she's had so far has been really great.
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There's no concerns, she's doing amazing, it's miraculous.
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But she was in the NICU for 18 days.
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She was in like three or four different NICUs.
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They transferred her back and forth for various reasons that I won't even get into right now, but it was an interesting experience in general.
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And then you're you know, you're healing from a C-section on top of it.
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So I was just on the go faster than I anticipated too.
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So, like I gave birth to her Saturday and then was discharged the following night.
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Because they were like we know you want to get to your baby and that was, I think, probably the hardest part too, and that 24 hours, obviously not knowing if she was going to not only just be okay but really survive.
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Because they were like multiple nurses and doctors were like if you hadn't come in when you did, this would be a much sadder situation, and one of them was so blunt to be like if you had come in, even the next day she would have died.
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So I'm like, okay, that's a lot to process and kind of scary.
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It's not something I focus on now, but it's still very like wow, what if?
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You know, like this.
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This could have gone a very different way and we're just very, very grateful she's here.
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But you know, of course, in the moment it was just very touch and go for a while.
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But yeah, that's the I was going to say.
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That was I'm trying to make it a long story short, but it's so much.
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There's a little bit more we need to unpack still, but it's still a little bit more.
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We need to unpack still a lot more than I have questions.
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That's the gist of it, wow.
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So I believe I asked you this beforehand and I don't remember where, cause we've talked on multiple platforms in order to get to the point where we're here.
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Were you?
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You said RH positive, both of you.
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So, like you have a positive blood type, she has a positive blood type, right?
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it wasn't the mixture I'm not sure about that.
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Honestly, I can't remember.
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I think she might be o positive.
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I can't actually remember what.
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I think it might be like ab okay or something that those are educated guesses right now, right the positive, negative is what the concern the the first place that my brain goes because and then you would probably know if you were negative, because you would have gotten a Rho gam shot during your pregnancy at about 28 weeks.
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And that's what we do in case the fetal and maternal blood mix, in order to prevent the immune response that happens, because it's much more pronounced in extreme when it's the negative and positive immune response, because the negative is not used to seeing the positive and so it will try to attack those cells and then the response to that is what causes risk for mom and baby.
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But I've honestly never heard of, like your doctors were saying, aside from any kind of trauma, the fetal blood leaking into the maternal blood.
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And I'm like trying to wrap my head around what that even means, like how it's possible for that to have happened.
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I know I feel like everyone is trying to wrap their head around it.
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I don't think we're going to have answers from this podcast, so I'm not even going to try for that.
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I don't even think I'll get answers if I talk to somebody that knows, and I'm going to be bugging some of my maternal-final specialists about this and see if there's anything that we can find out about it, yeah, but I really can't even wrap my head around her losing that much of her blood supply.
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How that math and how like did she even have any blood in her body when she came out?
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Like, how do you lose 120%?
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I'm almost, I know and I'm like but she had to have.
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Yeah, she had to have right, Right you?
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need to have, but she had to.
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Yeah, she had to have Right, right, like you need to have, you know, heart, heartbeat.
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There's got to be some Right.
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So but I'm almost wondering if it was like came out of her, but then the placenta too.
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I don't know.
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I mean, obviously I'm certainly not a doctor yeah, I'm not a nurse or a nurse on any of this, this but that 120 is what they gave us.
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And then we were like, how is that?
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How does that work?
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That's that way the moral of the story.
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She was highly lacking in blood, meant for the oxygen and was there like a term, like a medical term for it?
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did they give you like a diagnosis?
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Or it was just like we don't know what happened.
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There's all like we measured somehow and the blood came out and yeah, okay.
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Yeah, I don't understand that at all, but that's okay.
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That's the point is of the moral of this story is that you felt like something was wrong.
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It wasn't just a feeling.
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There were changes, changes in movement.
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The way that you describe it, I think, is very key and amazing.
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You said that there were kicks and rolling movements that didn't occur anymore, right?
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Also, having gotten to know your baby while you were pregnant with her, it didn't feel like she was okay and I think about those things is okay and I think about those things.
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And when you have a child that's outside of the womb, that has been born, parents also describe those feelings.
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They're not acting right.
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They're not, they don't look right, something doesn't seem right, even if the symptoms are vague, because babies can't necessarily communicate those symptoms.
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And I just want to really enforce how it's important to pay attention to those things.
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Your baby's not acting right, even if you're pregnant with that baby.
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If that baby's not acting right, it's important to sit down and figure out what that not acting right means.
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If you sit down and you're doing your kick counts which, when we say kick counts, those are movements and you see, if your baby's not moving the way that they used to and there is some degree of as your baby runs out of space, the movements will feel different.
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It's usually not one day to the next.
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It's usually not very abrupt.
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So if there's definitely an abrupt change in movement, what will happen is you'll call your doctor.
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You'll say you know what?
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Something doesn't feel right.
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They will put you on the monitor.
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We can tell from your baby's heart rate and the pattern of your baby's heart rate.
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If there's something concerning and while I recognize that it's not 100% accurate, we can put you on the monitor.
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For if we can get 20 minutes of what we call a reactive strip, if your baby's got nice squiggly lines in the heart rate and the heart rate goes up and down and up and down, enough, per our measurements, that we can see that your baby is what we call neurologically intact or that your baby's metabolic state is right now status quo, that usually tells us within this 24-hour period, everything is fine.
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You may need to do another one tomorrow if things don't feel right or if things get worse.
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So we can't guarantee.
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But if your baby looks textbook perfect right now in that 20-minute period, most of the time that means that things are okay.
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If there's other extenuating circumstances or if the baby's heart rate doesn't look right, then we'll do other tests, like the fetal monitoring.
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We'll do a BPP, which is like where we check the baby's movements, we check the fluid, we check certain parameters that aren't necessarily important right now, but we look at the big picture, including the heart rate, and decide if there's more that we need to consider.
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And sometimes you'll just stay at the hospital, we'll watch, or sometimes we'll move to delivery or sometimes we'll just say everything's great, you can go home, we'll follow up in this many days.
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So I just want to encourage parents to call your doctor.
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You don't need to call the hospital.
00:19:10.661 --> 00:19:17.326
You call your doctor or midwife if you are in midwifery care and they will decide whether you need to be seen.
00:19:18.134 --> 00:19:37.458
And because I want to be inclusive of midwifery care and low-risk birth, if you're planning a home birth or you're planning a birth center birth or a low-risk hospital birth, your midwife can decide if you're still within the low-risk category or if they want to decide to check you out to see if you can stay within the low risk category.
00:19:37.458 --> 00:19:40.486
So it doesn't necessarily mean that anything's going to change.
00:19:40.486 --> 00:19:42.942
We just want it up and that's perfectly okay.
00:19:42.942 --> 00:19:50.544
And I know that there's a lot of doubt surrounding the whole calling the doctor and feeling like you're being an alarmist.
00:19:50.544 --> 00:20:04.923
But it's very, very important to trust your instinct, to trust the evidence and to remember that if you would take your baby to the doctor, if they were outside of the womb, for the way that they're acting inside of the womb right now, then they probably it's necessary to take.
00:20:04.923 --> 00:20:07.144
It's very easy to find out if we need to proceed.
00:20:07.144 --> 00:20:09.424
It just is a matter of going in and checking you out.
00:20:22.674 --> 00:20:26.147
Yeah, that's what was great about the nurse team that checked me.
00:20:26.147 --> 00:20:26.951
They were amazing.
00:20:26.951 --> 00:20:33.220
We got really lucky and they were like you know what, Especially when we first got in there and nothing super obvious seemed wrong.
00:20:33.220 --> 00:20:35.727
Yet they were like no, it better be safe than sorry.
00:20:35.727 --> 00:20:39.565
It's great you came in sorry, you know, they were just like.
00:20:39.565 --> 00:20:41.711
It's like why not get checked?
00:20:41.751 --> 00:20:41.813
out.
00:20:41.813 --> 00:20:42.273
You know what I?
00:20:42.294 --> 00:20:44.881
mean and you're not being an alarmist mom's no best.
00:20:44.881 --> 00:20:51.083
And it could have been so easy to listen to my husband in that moment and been like you know, because he's loved my husband dearly.
00:20:51.083 --> 00:21:00.260
All respect to the, the partners who are not caring, but you know it's sometimes easy for them to just be like, oh no, it's probably fine, don't worry.
00:21:00.260 --> 00:21:14.326
You know, depending on the person and right so I, we could have done that and you know I don't want to think about the, the alternative so well, there's value in not freaking out and also getting it checked out?
00:21:15.186 --> 00:21:18.022
yeah, does it mean you're like happy medium of both.
00:21:18.095 --> 00:21:21.468
That morning I was kind of just like this would just make me feel better.
00:21:21.468 --> 00:21:22.310
I'm not freaking out.
00:21:22.310 --> 00:21:23.878
Yeah, right, because I'm just like I.
00:21:23.878 --> 00:21:28.817
I felt like I heard, I felt like a little bit of movement, like ever so slightly.
00:21:28.817 --> 00:21:38.060
So I was just like, okay, I feel she's alive, like I think she's in there, but like I'm not, I'm not waiting another four or five weeks until she's supposed to be born to know for sure.
00:21:38.060 --> 00:21:39.778
Yeah, right.
00:21:39.980 --> 00:21:43.824
Yeah, that's important and, like I said, really it's so easy to find out.
00:21:43.824 --> 00:21:47.945
It's so easy to put your baby on the monitor and decide does this baby look good right now?
00:21:47.945 --> 00:22:02.387
If the baby looks good right now yeah then sure cool, we're good and from the perspective of a labor and delivery nurse, it's not hard from our end and I never think not another decreased fetal movement.
00:22:02.387 --> 00:22:04.919
I think come in, let's make sure your baby's okay.
00:22:06.102 --> 00:22:10.641
It's not something that we're ever thinking, not another alarmist.
00:22:10.641 --> 00:22:14.777
There's definitely other things that might be more alarmist, but not that.
00:22:14.777 --> 00:22:18.146
That's the one thing where we're like, yeah, please, let's find out.
00:22:18.394 --> 00:22:21.757
Yeah we don't want to know later as a mom in that position.
00:22:21.757 --> 00:22:27.647
We really appreciate that, because I'm sure there are people in the health field that are just.
00:22:27.647 --> 00:22:28.769
You know, they don't always.
00:22:28.769 --> 00:22:37.568
I've heard of some moms that are just having more negative experiences with that or people that were not as empathetic or they you know they didn't treat them with that.
00:22:37.568 --> 00:22:39.932
Let's just make sure it's okay.
00:22:39.932 --> 00:22:40.594
You know what I mean.
00:22:40.594 --> 00:22:44.923
Like I just didn't have that compassion really for what the mom was feeling.
00:22:45.022 --> 00:22:51.715
So I was very I just felt very well supported that day so that yeah, and from a mom perspective that really means a lot when yeah, we get that.
00:22:51.876 --> 00:22:55.265
Let's talk about the c-section and like was it an emergency C-section?