Taylor Nosakhere: Finding Your Voice in the Labor Room

Transcript

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Hello, today I have with me Taylor Nosacara.

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Taylor is a prenatal coach, dula a motherhood coach, a catering chef and the host of the podcast Driver's Seat Moms.

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She is a mother of three kids under six years old, with two on the way, yep twins, second set of twins.

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Her mission is to help moms let go of the shoulds and supposed tos surrounding birth and motherhood so they can do pregnancy, birth and motherhood their way.

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Today she's here to share her birth stories and how she balances career and motherhood.

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Taylor welcome and thank you so much for joining me.

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Thank you for having me.

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I'm excited.

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Yeah, I feel like you have a lot that you can share with my listeners and I'm really excited to hear about your birth stories.

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Yeah, so, gosh, it's crazy to think back to the first one because that felt like so long ago now.

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So my oldest son is five and a half and then I have twin boys that are two and a half.

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So I will tell both of their stories and try not to make them take forever, because I feel like I could tell the four hour version or I could tell the 20 minute version.

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So my first son I had.

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So, yes, I am a prenatal coach and a birth Dula.

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I wasn't prior to my first son being born, but I did have some prior knowledge.

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So my mom was a Dula for a little bit and a childbirth educator, and so I had a level of awareness prior to getting pregnant that there's options and there's things to research.

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And I feel like I went into that pregnancy a little bit of a step ahead than some moms, just in the sense of most moms are like I have no idea what I don't know, whereas I kind of knew what I didn't know.

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But I did, I still didn't know it.

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So when I got pregnant it happened a lot faster than we anticipated.

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We were not trying, not not trying, and just we're like we'll start trying in August and I think I was pregnant by July.

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So I immediately wanted to know everything about everything, and at the time I did not even know how to listen to a podcast, but I'd heard of them.

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This was in 2017.

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So I was like kind of late to the podcast game and I googled how do I listen to a podcast?

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And then I just started binging them and learning everything about everything, and as I was doing so, I realized that midwifery care was more the route that I wanted to go, and there's one birth center in the city where I lived there's actually two, but they were it was two locations of the same birth center and so that's what I chose.

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I was doing all of my prenatal care through the birth center, with three midwives that rotate, and I was really excited about that.

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I ended up hiring a doula who was a friend of my mom's, who was also a massage therapist, and she trained with the doula who was my mom's doula for my younger sisters.

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So we kind of knew her already and I was feeling really good.

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I mean, the pregnancy was fairly easy.

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I feel like I got really lucky in that regard.

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I was teaching yoga at the time, so I taught yoga throughout my whole pregnancy.

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I did power yoga throughout my whole pregnancy and then 39 ish weeks rolls around and at the birth center they have a protocol in place where you cannot well, you cannot deliver there if you're prior to 37 weeks or past 42 weeks.

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So you know, 39, 40 weeks rolls around and I'm starting to get nervous that I'm not going to be able to deliver at the birth center.

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I knew that first time moms typically go past 40 weeks.

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Due dates are guest dates.

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I know those things, but still, according to their protocols, I was starting to get nervous.

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So at 41 weeks we started doing all the things to push my body into labor and it was extremely stressful.

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I look back on that week and when I think about things that I would change about my birth, it really is that week and that stress, and I don't know that I would necessarily change that part in retrospect, because the rule was the rule at the birth center.

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But I do wish I would have explored more options outside of just simply, while we're kicking you out of our care, you have to have a hospital birth, which is not really what I wanted.

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So we, like I said, did all the things I did castor oil, I think twice I was on the breast pump a lot.

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I had six Foley bulb attempts, I want to say in five days, and so I did two tries in one day.

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I was also in castor oil that day, so it was just extremely uncomfortable and I did all of those things not so much from like an evidence based place of really wanting to be done, being pregnant, or feeling like my baby was not safe or I was unhealthy, but really from this place of like I want to have this baby at the birth center, and ultimately, none of it worked.

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None of it worked.

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My body was not ready and at 41 and six we made the call to transfer because I wasn't in labor yet, so that they typically will transfer you with a midwife that they have at the birth center and she has privileges at the hospital.

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Well, she was unavailable, and so they gave me two options.

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You can transfer to hospital A and just get whoever's on call, or you can transfer to hospital B, which was the option that I liked, less as far as hospital goes, but with an OB who is very midwife like and everybody loves her.

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She's great.

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And so I went ahead and chose that.

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It was a teaching hospital, which I didn't love the idea of like having students around and but I was like, but I'll go for her because everybody loves her.

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So I went in at 10 o'clock PM, right exactly at 42 weeks, I think yeah, it would have been 42 weeks and they gave me the impression that I was going to meet the doctor that night.

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Well, she wasn't there and they're like, oh well, we met, for teen was here and I was like, oh well, that's not the same thing.

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So I call my midwives, crying, like on the emergency line.

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I'm like this isn't what I thought it was going to be.

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I felt like from the second I walked in the door I had to become in like defense mode, which was not what I wanted, and that was really tough because a lot of the things in my birth plan I knew I wasn't going to have to really ask for or advocate for in the birth center, but they were things that were not standard in this hospital, which is part of why I didn't choose that hospital to begin with.

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Even simple things, little things, were getting under my skin which, looking back, I wish I wouldn't have let them, but I was just kind of angry to have to be there and so I wasn't necessarily making friends and finally got settled.

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They told me I was going to meet the doctor in the morning.

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I got a cervical ripener.

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I got a servidil, which I had to fight for because they really, really wanted me to start with cytotech and I really did not want to.

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So finally got them to order the servidil and got the servidil.

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And my night nurse was absolutely phenomenal.

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She was so sweet and gentle and let me sleep and came in so quietly and she was like okay, this is going to be okay.

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The next day at around 9am I met the doctor, loved her Great first impression, made me feel so good about things.

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She's like, yeah, go ahead and eat, do your thing.

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Like I have clinic, I'll come back and check in.

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If you need anything, call me.

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And so things were kind of moving and grooving along.

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Contractions weren't really happening for me.

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So ultimately we did choose to move to adding in pitocin to the mix because I wasn't having contractions and I will say too, I was not super comfortable at the time, going too much past 42 weeks.

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So, as a lot of you know, as you know, and some of you listening might know that risks do increase as you go further past 42 weeks and as a first time mom I wasn't really comfortable with the risks of going past 42 weeks, so that was also part of my motivation to get things going.

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I do wish retrospectively, I would have learned a little bit more about that actual risk and how that risk pertained to me specifically and what the actual numbers were.

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Maybe I would have felt a little bit more comfortable with that risk, but at the time I wasn't, and so we started pitocin and it just wasn't doing anything.

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I think we ended up cranking it all the way up and ultimately throughout that next day.

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So this is Friday.

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It was an emotional roller coaster.

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I was fine and then I would have an emotional breakdown and it felt like throughout the course of the day my doctor got less and less inviting, like less patient, less.

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The things that I felt about her when I first met her that morning kind of started to fade throughout the day and it sucked because everybody told me she's very midwife, like she's not going to push interventions on you, she's the most natural OB in the city.

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And as the day progressed I was just starting to feel like that was not the case, she really wanted to break my water because she wanted to put an internal monitor on because the pitocin was so high.

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So we wanted to make sure that my contractions were doing what they were supposed to do and baby was tolerating them Okay.

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So eventually I think that was like in the evening, friday evening I finally allowed her to break my water and I vividly remember a conversation that just stands out as being one of the traumatic parts of my birth experience, which was her asking me like we sat down by the window I remember it so vividly my husband was sitting there and my mom and Dula I'm pretty sure we're like across the room and she's like well, what's your end game?

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And I was just so shook by that question.

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I was like what do you mean?

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Like my end game is to have a baby.

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I don't understand the question.

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And at the time I was still looking great, my blood pressure was good, like I was handling things fine and my baby's heart rate was fine, like everything was fine.

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So I was very confused by this.

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And when my husband kind of started to side with her of like well, she just wants to know, like what's the plan, what's the end game, and I was like I don't know, be here for four days until I have a baby.

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If I have to, if I'm fine and my baby's fine, I will do this as long as it takes, and I don't think she likes that answer.

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And so finally I got my husband to understand where I was coming from and all in all we stopped pitocin, I wanna say, because we had cranked it up all the way, broke my water, put the internal monitor in and then restarted the pitocin.

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And the timeline gets a little fuzzy for me, but thankfully my mom and my doula were there and they were helping me through all this emotional stuff.

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I don't know what I would have done without them and my husband.

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But the next step after that was things were getting just really, really hard.

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It's weird because I kind of blacked this part out and I had to actually like ask a lot of family and friends, the people that were there, what happened during this time, because I truly don't remember.

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But eventually I think I ended up asking for a C-section because I was so.

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I know I was physically tired, I know I'm sure the pitocin contractions were getting to me, but I kind of don't even remember that, I just remember the emotional pressure of I just don't wanna be here.

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I feel like it's an uphill battle and feel like I'm having to advocate for everything that I want.

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I don't wanna be here and I just want it to be done, and my doula recommended that I get an epidural so that I could just take it.

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So after going in the bathroom and crying and talking to my husband about it because I really didn't want a medicated birth I ultimately was like okay, yes, like that's probably better than just opting for a C-section at this time.

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Because one thing I guess I haven't mentioned is at the time I wasn't progressing very much.

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My contractions were happening, but I think 24 or more hours in I was still only at like a five, and I think I had been a five for the last 12 hours or something.

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I just was not progressing.

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Knowing what I know now, I'm like baby was probably in a funky position.

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I probably should have done some spinning babies, tried some different positions, but at the time I think I just was in like advocacy mode I don't even know how to explain it and so I got the epidural and it was pretty early Saturday morning and I had fallen asleep finally and the nurse came in and I loved my daytime nurses that day as well.

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They came in and I could hear them through my sleep, kind of talking to my mom, saying baby's heart rate looks great, contraction pattern looks great.

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You know now that we've bumped the toast and back up, everything's looking great.

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And they left the room and at the time my doula had gone home to sleep and my husband was in the car sleeping, I think like in the parking garage.

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And then my doctor walks in and she my mom is sitting next to the bed, on the other side of the bed and she very gently like squats by me and quietly is like wakes me up from this, like dead sleep nap that I so desperately needed.

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So that was like first strike, don't wake me up.

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And she says to me so the contractions aren't really doing what we want them to do, they're not really that effective, so we really need to think about a C-section at this point.

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And this was around noon on Saturday morning and had she said that and the nurses not just said what they said, I probably would have gotten a C-section, to be completely honest, and in that moment of super vulnerability, extreme exhaustion, I said yes.

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I was like, yeah, yeah, okay.

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Like I was literally half asleep when she was asking me this question, which, looking back, just like pisses me off.

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But thank God my mom was standing right there.

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And my mom says, well, are you sure that's what you want?

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Like maybe we should get your husband in here, maybe we should get your doula back in here and like talk about this.

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And the doctor completely disregarded my mom, didn't even look at her and just kept talking to me and I said, yeah, actually that's a good idea.

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Like I was kind of starting to wake up out of my dead asleep nap and I was like, yes, let's get him in here, let's chat about this.

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So my doctor left and my husband got in, the doula got in and my aunt who was there she had come in from Des Moines I'm in Kansas City she had come down from Iowa and she was gonna encapsulate my placenta for me and she showed up at the hospital cause at this point we're like bring him the backup.

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And she had been a doula for years.

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And so she showed up and I just like all of a sudden had all of these people around me that were like you're fine, your babies are fine, like you've got your nap, you've got the epidural.

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Now let's do this.

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Like we can do this.

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We can still very much have a vaginal birth.

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This is totally still on the table.

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And I was like, okay, let's do it.

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So the doctor walked back in and I said to her okay, we're gonna keep going, we're gonna keep trying and getting different positions and do all the things.

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And she was pissed.

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So she said to me and I might misquote this a little bit, but it was very close to this so you're actually gonna do something now, because you haven't been doing anything for the last however many hours.

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So I think she thought I wasn't doing anything.

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Oh, I had actually asked to turn the pitocin off a second time when I was waiting for the epidural.

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When I finally agreed to the epidural, I had asked can we please turn the pitocin off while I wait for the anesthesiologist?

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Because if I'm gonna get the epidural I might as well just wait to have this pitocin on.

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So I think she knew I had turned the pitocin off twice.

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Once was my choice, once was because they were gonna break my water and then I guess I had taken a nap and that was not enough for her.

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So she kind of huffed off in this angry mood.

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I'm like, well, you're actually gonna do something now.

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So, okay, I mean, I guess.

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And throughout, like I said, from the time I met her at 9 am the morning before to then, she had gotten progressively less nice and her bedside manner had gotten worse, and every single time she came in the room her vibe was just bringing this negative energy.

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It was just very visceral, for me at least, of this is not the energy I want.

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In the room I would feel myself tensing up, which is obviously increasing cortisol and decreasing oxytocin and slowing down labor.

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And I said to the nurse I don't want her, she cannot come back.

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And my mom was even like, if you needed a C-section, I wouldn't really want her to do it, cause at this point she's kind of like mad at you, because I'm pretty sure she was called to be there.

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She had to stay until I had the baby because she was the doctor associated with the birth center, so I don't think she could just leave when her 12 hours was up, I think she actually had to like stay, and so she was pissed and I said she's not allowed back in my room.

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And the nurse was like, oh okay, well, we'll keep her away and then, when you're ready to push, we'll just bring her in right at the end and I said, absolutely fucking not, she's not allowed back in here.

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Find me who else is here, like I don't care who it is, it's not her.

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And that felt really really good in that moment and I think I had like a weight lifted off with me to just know that she wasn't coming back, which sucks.

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It sucks so hard because she was literally the reason that I chose that hospital in the beginning, and so we just kept doing the do with the epiduralin.

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But everybody was helping me get into really good positions on the peanut ball and even doing some hands and knees on the bed.

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I had a lot of help.

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I was keeping my dosage really, really low on that epidural and I got to the point where I was like I need to poop.

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But I didn't know this at the time, but looking back now it wasn't the baby is coming poop, like feeling that you know we in this space are like, yes, you're so excited, you need to poop.

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I just felt kind of uncomfortable and I knew that I just kind of needed to clear out I think I needed to like clear out before baby could come.

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And I think I just intuitively knew that and, of course, because I had the epidural, they were like well, it's okay, you can just do it.

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Like we'll bring you a bedpan.

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And I was like no, no, no, that's not gonna work for me.

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I need to go to the toilet.

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And they were like we can't do that, you have an epidural.

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So my mom even asked can we get like a bedside commode that we can help her onto?

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And I was like that's not really what I want, but I guess, if that's all you guys can give me Cause, I also felt, I think, at that point, like maybe my body was craving privacy, like I just needed to like lock myself in the bathroom or something, and that was unconsciously there.

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So they were like we'll go ask.

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They came back no, we can't do the bedside commode.

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I'm like okay.

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So I left, I showed my mom, I was like I put my feet on the bed and I like was lifting my hips and I'm like look, mom, I can move.

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Look at this.

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And I'm not recommending this to anyone.

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And I'm sure, as a labor and delivery nurse, you are like freaking out as I tell this story, I started to get off the bed and crawl to the bathroom.

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So I literally my mom's like what?

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Are you?

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doing.

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I'm like I'm crawling, you won't help me walk there, I'm going to fucking crawl.

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But I'm going to the toilet and the nurses rush in and they're like, okay, well, like, let us like unhook you, like you're hooked up to shit.

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And I'm like, okay, that's valid.

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Like do what you need to do, unhook me.

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They take me into the bathroom, they help me get on the toilet, and then everybody's like in the bathroom and I'm like, well, you guys have to leave.

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I can't have you all in here or else this is pointless.

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So I think they gave me maybe like two or three minutes by myself, and I mean I'm sure they were like all right outside the door, but it was enough.

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I don't even think that I pooped, but I just like I let a lot go.

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It must have been emotion, it must have just been like pelvic floor tension, maybe being able to just sit on the toilet.

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I don't know what, but that three minutes in the bathroom, plus, I think, firing my doctor, changed the game for me.

00:22:35.809 --> 00:22:48.271
And when I got back to the bed and this had to have been mid to late afternoon on Saturday, very soon after that I got checked I was dilated to seven, and that was the first time.

00:22:48.271 --> 00:22:49.570
Like there's a photo of my husband.

00:22:49.570 --> 00:22:53.311
He's like that was the first time that I I was like, oh my God, this is happening.

00:22:53.311 --> 00:22:55.211
I'm actually gonna have this vaginal birth.

00:22:55.211 --> 00:22:56.750
I'm past a five, finally.

00:22:57.085 --> 00:23:00.174
So we kept doing all the positions, all the things.

00:23:00.174 --> 00:23:14.012
Eventually I got to a nine and then I think I had a cervical lip potentially, and we were doing some practice pushing and at this point there was literally so many people there and I'm not even talking like hospital staff.

00:23:14.012 --> 00:23:23.509
I think my mother-in-law has shown up, I think my sister had shown up Like she had come back because she was there in early labor and then she had come back.

00:23:23.509 --> 00:23:24.709
I did not even know.

00:23:24.709 --> 00:23:36.710
I don't think that all these people were there at this point and we had a big corner room and they almost kicked a lot of the people out, but they ended up where, like we'll just squish everybody in my corner oh, my birth photographer.

00:23:36.710 --> 00:23:56.432
I had a birth photographer that showed up, like literally thinking back on it, and as a doula now who's been in many hospital rooms, I'm like I don't know how the hell there was that many people in a room but they all like squished into the corner and I finally got to start pushing and I started on my side, ended up on my back.

00:23:56.532 --> 00:24:12.935
I remember thinking I don't really want to push in my back, but at the time I just did not care and at that time I was extremely exhausted, couldn't feel much, don't think I really knew how to push and I ended up needing like oxygen mask in between pushing just because it was so strenuous.

00:24:12.935 --> 00:24:16.530
I think my baby had to have been in there in a really, really weird position.

00:24:16.530 --> 00:24:21.349
Well, he actually did have a nuchal hand, so his hand was by his face and maybe that was part of it.

00:24:21.349 --> 00:24:26.332
But I'm sure he was like his head wasn't flexed or he was asymptotic or something I don't know.

00:24:26.332 --> 00:24:34.407
But my husband said they were just like pouring lube down there and like you were just obviously needing the oxygen.

00:24:34.407 --> 00:24:35.893
Everybody was there helping me.

00:24:35.893 --> 00:24:38.993
I remember my husband saying get after it.

00:24:38.993 --> 00:24:41.913
And I'm thinking like why the fuck would you say that?

00:24:41.913 --> 00:24:47.593
But I'm like I guess that's what I needed to hear in the moment or whether it was or wasn't.

00:24:47.593 --> 00:24:48.469
That's what he was saying.

00:24:48.469 --> 00:24:52.414
And then, yeah, he eventually was born.

00:24:52.904 --> 00:24:57.530
I think I pushed for about 30 minutes but it felt like forever.

00:24:57.530 --> 00:25:01.891
I remember at one point his head was starting to come out and they were like, do you wanna feel his head?

00:25:01.891 --> 00:25:06.175
And I felt it and I said it's so squishy.

00:25:06.175 --> 00:25:18.515
And my husband said one of the first things he thought when he finally came out was oh man, I'm gonna have to love that kid, cause his head was so misshapen and I'm like, dude, their heads go back to normal.

00:25:18.515 --> 00:25:20.551
Like how did he not know that?

00:25:20.551 --> 00:25:29.073
Like the hat was, like he had this huge dome head in the hat, like barely even sat on the end of it, and he was just like, oh man, I'm gonna have to love that kid.

00:25:29.073 --> 00:25:32.034
We did not know if there was a boy or a girl.

00:25:32.034 --> 00:25:42.734
I, we really really thought it was a girl and my husband goes damn, he has a fat sack and I'm like, okay, so it's not a girl.

00:25:42.734 --> 00:25:46.788
So these are the things, that, the joys of the things my husband said.

00:25:47.164 --> 00:25:50.054
And he did not come out breathing.

00:25:50.054 --> 00:25:52.211
I don't think I knew I wanted skin to skin.

00:25:52.211 --> 00:25:57.429
He was kind of more on my abdomen, cause the umbilical cord length, I think, and wasn't breathing.

00:25:57.429 --> 00:26:10.730
So about a minute later cause I wanted to delay the clamping as much as possible, and at that point I think I was just in such relief to get him out that anything that I wanted at that point just kind of went out the window.

00:26:10.730 --> 00:26:12.892
I was like I, he's just here.

00:26:13.846 --> 00:26:21.813
And I remember, even though he wasn't breathing, and they ended up cutting the cord and taking him to the warmer, I remember not feeling any worry.

00:26:21.813 --> 00:26:25.335
I remember just laying there feeling like he's going to be fine.

00:26:25.335 --> 00:26:26.891
This is, this is totally fine.

00:26:26.891 --> 00:26:29.452
Like sometimes babies just have a lot of fluid.

00:26:29.452 --> 00:26:31.170
It takes them a minute.

00:26:31.170 --> 00:26:49.015
I remember not being worried at all and I kind of want to wrap up this story but like I did end up having a retained placenta, a hemorrhage, and I ended up going back through a DNC about 30 minutes after he was born, probably because I think it was a multitude of factors.

00:26:49.015 --> 00:26:53.230
They were doing a lot of manual traction, which I did not want.

00:26:53.230 --> 00:27:07.612
They actually pulled the umbilical cord off my placenta and I had had Potosin for a long fucking time over a day and a half and so I'm sure my uterus was just like done and so wasn't clamping down.

00:27:07.612 --> 00:27:09.109
So I did go back for a DNC.

00:27:09.109 --> 00:27:14.109
But I also just remember in that moment just not feeling worried.

00:27:14.109 --> 00:27:27.037
And it's so interesting because, even though you might consider some of those things traumatic you hemorrhaged and you went back for a DNC None of my trauma that is associated with that birth comes from that.

00:27:27.224 --> 00:27:44.334
It all comes from those conversations where I felt like I wasn't being seen or heard by my doctor and even, for in a few moments, by my husband, when I felt like I was having to advocate for myself in moments where I didn't want to, when I felt like people who should have been on my side were on my side.

00:27:44.334 --> 00:27:57.211
Those are the things that I look back on and have feelings about, whereas the blood loss and things like that I'm trying to like yeah, that was probably traumatic for everyone else that was watching, but it wasn't really for me.

00:27:57.211 --> 00:28:00.694
And my mom at the time was a lactation consultant.

00:28:00.694 --> 00:28:16.530
She's an IBCLC and because we had done so much pumping prior to labor to try to get labor started, we had collected some colostrum and we had brought it with us, so my mom was able to give him colostrum While I was back there for the DNC.

00:28:16.530 --> 00:28:25.809
We have some really cute pictures of that where, like, my husband is skin to skin with him and she is feeding like syringe, feeding him drops of colostrum so we didn't have to supplement.

00:28:25.809 --> 00:28:35.012
When I came back, she was getting him latched on to me, even though my husband said I looked dead, like I was white as a ghost and not able to breastfeed him.

00:28:35.012 --> 00:28:36.410
She did all of it.

00:28:36.410 --> 00:28:39.054
She's like maneuvering him in my boob and all of it.

00:28:39.164 --> 00:28:47.373
So I was so grateful for that, and I think recovery from that was pretty hard, like that first week, just because I had lost so much blood.

00:28:47.373 --> 00:28:51.711
I ended up getting an iron IV but I did not need a blood transfusion.

00:28:51.711 --> 00:28:59.290
So if that gives any context to how much blood I lost, I guess it wasn't enough to need a transfusion or I just didn't need it.

00:28:59.290 --> 00:29:15.530
At one point, I think the doctor was up to her elbow in my uterus prior to going back for the DNC, and so I'm really glad I had an epidural for that part, because I've heard women that have retained placentas that don't have epidural say that that's worse than the child births for sure.

00:29:16.105 --> 00:29:46.587
So that was my first experience, and so it led to a lot of reasons why I do the work I do now, not from this place of I wanna save women, or I think some doulas get into it for a little bit of the wrong reasons and I never, ever had the intention of bringing my trauma like into my work or into another mom's birth space, but it more so came from this place of holy shit.

00:29:46.587 --> 00:29:55.030
I learned so much throughout my pregnancy and birth process that literally my friends don't know the mom I talk to doesn't know.

00:29:55.030 --> 00:30:02.115
Like people don't know these options, people don't know they can fire their doctor, people don't know they can ask for things.

00:30:02.115 --> 00:30:03.851
They don't know, they just don't know.

00:30:03.851 --> 00:30:13.093
And the uphill battle that I faced I was just like I have to help women be able to navigate these choices.

00:30:13.093 --> 00:30:15.942
So, yeah, I don't know if you wanna touch on any of that before I made this.

00:30:16.526 --> 00:30:22.471
I was writing down a lot of things, so a couple of things I wrote down and probably you'll touch on this later.

00:30:22.471 --> 00:30:30.752
But I feel like what you're communicating was that your focus at the beginning was delivering at the birth center was the goal, and that that may have been a big source of the stress.

00:30:30.752 --> 00:30:45.891
And then I'm assuming that, because you've learned since then how to frame your expectations and plan your birth, you now probably help people plan for all of the contingencies at this point in order to eliminate that stress.

00:30:46.644 --> 00:30:48.893
Yeah, that is definitely something we work on.

00:30:48.893 --> 00:30:58.113
We talk about different things that could happen, but more so because it's impossible to go down every single rabbit hole that could happen.

00:30:58.113 --> 00:31:05.815
Part of my framework is starting with how you want to feel, and so we go through this entire list of journaling prompts.

00:31:05.815 --> 00:31:17.875
We talk about fears, we talk about preconceived notions, we talk about how do you want the experience to feel and how can we get back to those feelings, no matter what the circumstances are.

00:31:18.105 --> 00:31:23.152
So no matter what curveballs get thrown your way, how do we get back to those feelings?

00:31:23.152 --> 00:31:31.352
So, if plans change, if circumstances arise, you can remember, okay, well, this is how I want to feel in this moment.

00:31:31.352 --> 00:31:35.788
So this is the choice I'm gonna make so that I can feel that way, if that makes the most sense.

00:31:36.025 --> 00:31:43.374
Take back control yeah control what you can Exactly yeah, yeah, I think everybody focuses on the wrong part of control.

00:31:43.846 --> 00:31:52.712
And so then and it sounded like I mean so kind of this goes into the conversation that your doctor had with you that kind of led to her not coming back to the room.

00:31:53.045 --> 00:32:05.634
Well, the first one, the one where she wanted to rupture your membranes before you were ready, I feel like just what from what I heard from you is, had that been explained a little bit better, you may have been more open to that option.

00:32:05.634 --> 00:32:09.011
When we say what is your end game, that is a little bit threatening.

00:32:09.011 --> 00:32:24.588
So a little bit of explanation as to the thought process of why we might be going down that route and what the other options are and how we can continue to proceed towards a vaginal birth would have been better.

00:32:24.588 --> 00:32:30.589
And also just my assumption, like you said, that she's a private practice and wanting to get out of there.

00:32:30.589 --> 00:32:47.334
I feel like if you're a private practice provider, you might wanna be a little bit more cognizant of those conversations and have some backup plans as well, Because rushing people into interventions just so you can get home isn't what you sign up for as a private provider.

00:32:49.065 --> 00:32:50.094
And that's what it felt like.

00:32:50.094 --> 00:33:00.932
I felt like they were talking to me in circles, and the reason why they couldn't give me a straight answer is because the straight answer would have been you're just taking too long, and that was not good enough for me.

00:33:01.204 --> 00:33:05.251
Yeah, and I don't know how the pay structure works, but I think that they get paid for deliveries.

00:33:05.251 --> 00:33:14.653
So she probably wasn't exactly happy with having to be there and not being paid or getting call pay or something ridiculous.

00:33:14.653 --> 00:33:23.071
Or maybe she was on salary or something where, just like, the pay structure makes it so that providers don't wanna be there waiting for someone to deliver for days.

00:33:23.071 --> 00:33:26.212
But that's how the body works sometimes.

00:33:26.212 --> 00:33:32.269
So when you had your servidil out, do you remember how dilated you were when they started the pitocin?

00:33:32.605 --> 00:33:34.692
I think I was probably.

00:33:34.692 --> 00:33:37.670
Oh my God, you know what I totally missed.

00:33:37.670 --> 00:33:40.451
I also had a cook balloon placed.

00:33:40.752 --> 00:33:42.851
Oh, okay, so they did that and they were able to.

00:33:42.851 --> 00:33:44.130
You were dilated enough.

00:33:44.130 --> 00:33:47.609
Well, you were always dilated enough to get that in, because you did that before right.

00:33:49.144 --> 00:33:54.834
Yeah, after five attempts, or after six attempts, they finally got the fully bull bin at the midwives office.

00:33:54.834 --> 00:33:57.394
So when I went in I was like a centimeter dilated.

00:33:57.394 --> 00:34:00.614
They did the servidil and then they placed a cook balloon.

00:34:00.614 --> 00:34:02.450
Oh my gosh, I can't believe I forgot.

00:34:02.450 --> 00:34:09.271
And so the cook balloon fell out around three centimeters and then I think I must have been around after four or four when they started pitocin.

00:34:10.105 --> 00:34:16.992
Okay, I was gonna say if it was too early it was never gonna happen, but you were a mechanical dilated three or four, so it takes a while.

00:34:16.992 --> 00:34:27.228
Some of the things that came up for me when you were talking about the pitocin not working at first and then having to stop and then start again did you feel like you're contracting, or was it maybe just like?

00:34:27.228 --> 00:34:28.193
I don't know.

00:34:28.193 --> 00:34:32.793
This is this thing that nurses do when the pitocin's not working, we just get a new bag.

00:34:32.793 --> 00:34:39.873
It just seems like maybe they forgot the pitocin, like the bag that they mixed with pitocin.

00:34:39.873 --> 00:34:42.891
Maybe the manufacturer forgot to actually put the pitocin in.

00:34:43.164 --> 00:34:45.692
Yeah, no, I maybe.

00:34:45.692 --> 00:34:52.655
Once I got up around like 15, I was starting to feel contractions.

00:34:52.655 --> 00:35:08.454
But I remember there was a good solid three hours of probably being on pitocin where I don't think I felt much of anything, did not have an epic earlier, was not feeling contractions.

00:35:08.454 --> 00:35:17.474
They actually asked to check me again and I was like why, I promise you I have not dilated, like nothing is happening.

00:35:17.474 --> 00:35:30.268
And they're like you know, and they just kind of like kept pushing the vaginal check and finally I was like fine, check me had not dilated, I'm still a five and I'm like I told you like I feel nothing, there's nothing happening.

00:35:30.268 --> 00:35:33.251
So there's definitely a chance.

00:35:33.251 --> 00:35:35.269
I'm like maybe they did forget it.

00:35:37.315 --> 00:35:40.226
Or maybe it was just like they didn't put the right dose or something in Cause.

00:35:40.266 --> 00:35:49.452
yeah they cranked me all the way up to I think it was 20 or whatever the max is that's allowed there, and then that's when they're like we can't crank it up anymore without the intern.

00:35:50.184 --> 00:35:50.405
Right.

00:35:50.405 --> 00:35:54.572
Yeah, that's pretty standard practice, but I think that could have been framed a little bit differently.

00:35:54.572 --> 00:35:59.409
I'm curious have you had patients that that has happened to and you've had maybe a different opinion?

00:35:59.409 --> 00:36:01.228
Now that you, what specifically?

00:36:01.288 --> 00:36:01.931
has happened to.

00:36:02.744 --> 00:36:08.291
So that maybe they get to 20 of pitocin and they're offering the internals and the rupture of membranes.

00:36:08.291 --> 00:36:10.472
I wonder if you've had a different experience with that.

00:36:10.545 --> 00:36:17.170
I'm trying to think if I've had any clients that have had that happen, but I honestly don't think I have.

00:36:17.170 --> 00:36:23.213
I feel like the pitocin eventually starts working, or or even like if they break their water.

00:36:23.445 --> 00:36:29.353
Yeah, I counsel clients about breaking the water differently if they have an epidural than if they don't.

00:36:29.353 --> 00:36:31.994
Cause my mom, I want to avoid an epidural.

00:36:31.994 --> 00:36:44.692
I counsel them over the fact that, like, once you break the water, these contractions are going to get more intense and so if you're wanting to stay unmedicated, you might want to avoid them breaking your water and then my mom's with epidurals already.

00:36:44.692 --> 00:36:49.311
I just let them know that, like, breaking the water could help.

00:36:49.311 --> 00:36:54.130
It also might not help and it might put you on a time clock and it's just good to know.

00:36:54.130 --> 00:37:09.871
And if you're poor enough along and babies low enough, especially like a bulgy bag, like breaking the water might actually we might have a baby in an outbreak, you know, versus you're dilated to a five baby's still high in the pelvis.

00:37:10.704 --> 00:37:12.010
I don't really feel like breaking the water.

00:37:12.010 --> 00:37:14.309
It's not wise, it's not really going to help you right now.

00:37:14.309 --> 00:37:18.733
Yeah, that's what they want to do, because that's kind of their next step.

00:37:18.733 --> 00:37:20.550
They don't have anything else to offer you.

00:37:20.550 --> 00:37:23.030
But you don't have to say yes.

00:37:24.092 --> 00:37:24.293
Right.

00:37:24.293 --> 00:37:28.190
So then you had the Potosin break, and then they broke your water.

00:37:28.405 --> 00:37:35.873
Yeah, I think it was like we've cranked it all the way up, but we're going to turn it off, break your water and restart.

00:37:35.873 --> 00:37:37.248
Okay, that makes sense.

00:37:37.248 --> 00:37:40.132
Break your water and turn the monitor on and then restart.

00:37:40.385 --> 00:37:43.630
So that we know that Potosin's doing something, doing something exactly.

00:37:43.630 --> 00:37:46.465
And where was your baby's head in the pelvis, do you know?

00:37:46.465 --> 00:37:48.469
Did they tell you before they broke your water?

00:37:48.469 --> 00:37:50.054
They probably didn't tell you, I don't remember.

00:37:50.284 --> 00:37:52.693
They may have told me and I just have no idea.

00:37:52.693 --> 00:38:05.885
I do really think that like some spinning babies, probably some lunging, I was changing positions and doing stuff like on the birth ball and stuff, but I don't think I was doing any well.

00:38:06.005 --> 00:38:16.173
I might have been doing like asymmetrical type of movement at that point I just don't really Well, but you had a compound presentation, so anything you did was still going to be a challenge.

00:38:16.385 --> 00:38:31.751
Yeah, and I and at the time, spinning babies wasn't really very well known about they actually came and did a training here in 2019 that I attended as the only non-birth worker there, and my doula was also there.

00:38:31.751 --> 00:38:38.355
So I'm sure there was like aha moments for both of us of like, oh man, how do we know this information when I was having my baby.

00:38:38.355 --> 00:38:40.130
Yeah, we would have used it, but we didn't know.

00:38:40.492 --> 00:38:43.829
Yeah same, you don't know what you don't know.

00:38:43.969 --> 00:38:44.351
We don't.

00:38:44.864 --> 00:38:50.130
Well, let's see, there's a lot of things that I wanna that you said that I wanna touch on.

00:38:50.130 --> 00:38:56.090
But let's move on to the next, because, wow, we could just we could go down a lot of rabbit holes.

00:38:56.090 --> 00:39:01.215
All right, so baby number two, well, actually, two and three, two and three.

00:39:01.744 --> 00:39:04.713
So the conception story is a little bit funny.

00:39:04.713 --> 00:39:06.748
I did not.

00:39:06.748 --> 00:39:07.489
So my son.

00:39:07.489 --> 00:39:16.275
He started preschool or sorry, like daycare when he was around 15 months, and this was August of 2019.

00:39:16.275 --> 00:39:33.309
And then in March, the world shut down and he got sent home with me and I was trying to build a business and work part-time and had just gotten into a rhythm with my schedule and was like, okay, now I'm home with a toddler who's extremely needy.

00:39:34.284 --> 00:39:39.871
We always knew we wanted more kids, but I just had this feeling of like I don't think I'm ever gonna be ready.

00:39:40.005 --> 00:39:52.333
We had talked about starting to try again in August, so we'd have another April, may baby, and it was just like, or I guess maybe start a little earlier, I don't know, I can't do math and I was just like I'm not gonna be ready.

00:39:52.333 --> 00:40:17.911
I ended up going to an energy worker who does a little bit of massage and acupuncture and she I had seen her before and she gave me a reading that was basically like you are making your decisions out of fear and you need to not make your decisions out of fear, and there is this female energy that's ready to be yours when you're ready to have her and I was like holy shit, this means I'm about to get pregnant with a girl.

00:40:17.911 --> 00:40:22.269
I need to just let go of fear, get pregnant now, like it'll be fine.

00:40:22.269 --> 00:40:30.534
I'm just scared of being a mom of two kids, and so I was supposed to start my period in three days.

00:40:30.534 --> 00:40:35.711
So I'm like it's okay, don't pull out, because you know that was our birth control method at the time.

00:40:35.711 --> 00:40:36.425
And.

00:40:36.927 --> 00:40:41.695
I got pregnant and so that was summer of 2020.

00:40:41.695 --> 00:40:44.413
And we were all in lockdown.

00:40:44.413 --> 00:40:46.913
I was not connecting with the pregnancy.

00:40:46.913 --> 00:40:49.690
I think a lot of moms maybe they got pregnant around that time.

00:40:49.690 --> 00:40:57.949
We're just struggling emotionally and so I knew I knew before I even got pregnant that I wanted a home birth.

00:40:57.949 --> 00:41:10.313
This time I was like, unfortunately, the birth center in my area it has all these restrictions on it and if I go past 42 weeks again like I'm not dealing with that, so I'm gonna go straight to a home birth.

00:41:10.364 --> 00:41:31.994
My midwife was actually working with a home birth midwife Cause, again, she's an IBCLC and she's an RN, so she was doing like newborn visits for this midwife and I was like, okay, great, I met her, loved her, hired her and at around nine weeks I went in to the first prenatal and we were gonna throw on the Doppler.

00:41:31.994 --> 00:41:37.952
But I was like you know, I just am not really connecting with this pregnancy and I just feel like something is wrong.

00:41:37.952 --> 00:41:52.431
I was just having a lot of worry for no reason and she had just gotten this new tool called the butterfly, which is an ultrasound, a handheld ultrasound little thing where she could see the image on her phone.

00:41:52.431 --> 00:41:53.909
She's like I just got this.

00:41:53.909 --> 00:41:57.750
Do you want me to look, just so we can like ease some of your anxiety.

00:41:57.750 --> 00:41:58.949
And I was like, yes, please.

00:41:58.949 --> 00:42:15.992
So I lay down and I can see out as a corner of my eye, two sacs, I can see it and she goes um, taylor and, mind you, like she knows my mom, she has this relationship with my mom, my mom's student, right there, my mom can see it and I'm like what?

00:42:15.992 --> 00:42:18.333
And my mom's like I think you're scaring her.

00:42:18.333 --> 00:42:19.668
Tell her something.

00:42:19.668 --> 00:42:22.373
She's like Taylor, I think you're having twins.

00:42:22.844 --> 00:42:27.369
And my husband just like belly laughs and I have this on video.

00:42:27.369 --> 00:42:29.510
There's a real I posted on my Instagram.

00:42:29.510 --> 00:42:33.393
You can go watch it and just like straight up belly laughs.

00:42:33.393 --> 00:42:34.951
He had been joking about it.

00:42:34.951 --> 00:42:40.492
Actually, he had been joking that we were gonna have twin girls and he's like bring my girls to me.

00:42:40.492 --> 00:42:46.793
Like he would say things like that that I'm just like stop it, we're not having twins, we don't have twins in our family, like we're not having twins.

00:42:46.793 --> 00:42:54.652
And so that was a huge shock at nine weeks, probably less of a shock than the people that find out at like 20 weeks or 30 something weeks.

00:42:54.965 --> 00:43:02.954
But I very quickly was like in logistics mode Cause at the time I was already a doula and I was like what do I do?

00:43:02.954 --> 00:43:04.056
Like, can I birth with you?

00:43:04.056 --> 00:43:05.570
Can you still be my midwives?

00:43:05.570 --> 00:43:11.708
And because I'm in the Kansas Missouri area, in our state you can.

00:43:11.708 --> 00:43:19.710
Midwives do have legal privileges to attend twin births, v-backs, breech births, unlike a lot of states.

00:43:19.710 --> 00:43:25.855
So she's like, yes, but I've never personally done twins before.

00:43:25.855 --> 00:43:27.289
She had a twin mom.

00:43:27.289 --> 00:43:29.992
At the time she was due a few months before me.

00:43:30.405 --> 00:43:37.114
So we very quickly looped in another midwife team in the area who had a lot more experience with twins.

00:43:37.114 --> 00:43:46.751
Even though my midwife had taken training, she had never attended one, or at least been the lead midwife on one, and so that was the plan.

00:43:46.751 --> 00:43:53.925
I had her plus another midwife team and we just moved through with care like normal, honestly Well.

00:43:53.925 --> 00:44:06.733
So she told me she wanted to have me have congruent care with an MFM in the area, which is maternal fetal medicine doctor, which is like a high risk pregnancy specialist, and so she sent me to her.

00:44:06.733 --> 00:44:13.454
I had my first scan with her at 17 weeks and this doctor knew that I was planning a home birth.

00:44:13.454 --> 00:44:17.612
Like she was chatting with my midwife, she was sending all my records to my midwife.

00:44:17.612 --> 00:44:24.032
I don't think she loved the idea, but she was not ever rude about it or made me feel stupid about it or anything like that.

00:44:24.032 --> 00:44:42.733
And so I had my first scan with her at 17 weeks and then I did monthly scans up until gosh it was probably like 32-ish, 34-ish and then I started going weekly, for maybe it was even a little bit later than that.

00:44:42.733 --> 00:44:47.972
I started going weekly for biophysical profiles and non-stress tests for the babies.

00:44:47.972 --> 00:45:05.273
They were doing growth scans, maybe every month, mainly to check that they were not stealing nutrients from each other, I think, even though they did have their own sacs, their own placentas, which is called di-di twins, which is supposedly the quote unquote like safest type to have.

00:45:05.273 --> 00:45:07.713
And so they were doing great.

00:45:08.125 --> 00:45:37.590
We were doing all the scans, we were doing all the biophysical profiles, the non-stress tests, and at around gosh 34 weeks probably it was apparent and we were far enough along, and maybe prior to this even that my baby A, every scan she kept qualifying him as transverse, which essentially means sideways, so you have head down, butt down or feet down, which is breach, and then transverse, which is like off to the side.

00:45:37.590 --> 00:45:47.851
So his butt was always near my left hip so he was like semi-breach but off to the side, and so in the earlier scans we just kind of left it alone.

00:45:47.851 --> 00:45:49.431
I was in chiropractic care.

00:45:49.431 --> 00:45:55.469
I was doing minimal things to really change much of that outside of chiropractic care.

00:45:55.469 --> 00:46:04.791
We're just like, oh, he'll shift, and once it got a little further along and we're like, okay, he's definitely butt down and he's definitely butt off to the side.

00:46:05.085 --> 00:46:19.295
We chatted with the other midwife team who had experience with twins and they also had a decent amount of experience with breach as well, and my midwife, as well as this other midwife, had both taken the reteach breach trainings.

00:46:19.295 --> 00:46:36.349
They had been in touch with an OBI out of California, dr Stuart Fishbein, who is very, very well known for twins and breach and his expertise in that, and so they had both trained with him and were in actually communication with him throughout this.

00:46:36.349 --> 00:46:56.235
A little bit as far as what's safe, what's not safe, proper breach position versus the position my baby was in, which was like not a proper breach position, he was off to the side, and so at that time, probably around 34 weeks, I went hard in the paint like trying to get this baby to just center.

00:46:56.235 --> 00:47:07.853
I did not expect him to flip, because he was one of two in there and his brother, funny enough, every single scan was in a different position.

00:47:07.853 --> 00:47:09.007
Like his head.

00:47:09.007 --> 00:47:17.188
That baby flipped every single week Like he was just all over the place, whereas this baby was just like stuck, he was just there.

00:47:17.188 --> 00:47:40.911
So I did more chiropractic and I did some pretty intense body work with like a Mayan abdominal massage therapist who did like some milifacial work, some deep tissue making space in the abdomen, did a lot of spinning baby stuff, did some stuff with acupuncture just to really make space, not never expecting him to flip but just hoping he would center.

00:47:40.911 --> 00:48:18.833
And I want to say, at around 38 weeks I decided that I wanted to add in collaborative care with an OB because I knew that this might end up at the hospital and I wanted to establish care with someone who was one doctor in the city who we knew of who would attend a vaginal breach birth and unfortunately there's no hospitals in the area Well, that might not be true now who have a green light protocol for a vaginal breach birth when it's planned.

00:48:18.952 --> 00:48:29.509

Taylor Nosakhere: Finding Your Voice in the Labor Room

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